


Stress Fracture

by violinbythefire



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Conflict, Couples Counseling, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecurity, M/M, Making Up, Medication, Misunderstandings, Panic Attack, Running, Survivor Guilt, Texting, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violinbythefire/pseuds/violinbythefire
Summary: After Craig asks Nathaniel to move in, he returns to his old ways of overthinking and overworking. Nathaniel becomes insecure in their relationship and worries about his place in Craig's life. When he pushes himself on a run with Craig, he injures himself and desperately tries to cover it up, making it worse. Miscommunication ensues. However, Nathaniel has lost one love of his life. He is not going to lose another.





	1. Six O'Clock in the Goddamn Morning

Nathaniel had figured that his days of getting up before dawn ended when Amanda was able to sleep throughout the night. Being a writer, Nathaniel could easily set his own hours. Yet without fail, he woke up most mornings in order to make Amanda breakfast and see her off to school. But even then, the sun had shown its face.

So what was he doing at six o’clock in the morning on a goddamn hiking trail?

“Ready, bro?”

Oh, yeah. Love. That nonsense. Love gets you out of bed in the morning when you want to sleep. It didn’t matter if it was for a crying baby or your active partner. 

The sky was barely lit and it was eerily quiet. It was as if even the insects had enough sense to know that it was too damn early to be up. What was worse was the cold. It was November and it was forty five degrees outside. Nathaniel rubbed his arms and wished that he could go back to Craig’s car, turn on the heat and fall asleep in the backseat. As Nathaniel huddled into himself like a penguin on a frozen tundra, Craig was doing calf stretches with a smile on his face. Damn that smile. 

Smashley had the girls this week. Between Amanda being off at college, Craig’s girls being gone, and Craig working from the minute he woke to the minute he fell asleep, Nathaniel felt lonely. He was increasingly tempted to make Amanda’s wish come true and adopt a dog just so he would have something to keep him company. But there was no way that he was going to bring that up to Craig just yet. 

Even though Nathaniel had moved in with Craig a few months prior, he still did not feel completely at home. Craig kept his house so orderly and efficient that Nathaniel still had not unpacked the boxes that he labeled ‘knick knacks’. He also had to retrain himself not to drop his jacket on the nearest piece of furniture the minute he walked into the door. And there were definitely no instances of leaving dishes to ‘soak’ in the sink overnight. 

Nathaniel couldn’t shake this feeling that he did not quite belong in Craig’s world just yet. In the beginning months of their relationship, he was on cloud nine and nothing could bring him down. Now, he was almost painfully aware of the fact that Craig was pushing himself every single day to achieve perfection. After the camp trip, it was easy for Nathaniel to get Craig to loosen up. He could bat his blue eyes and convince the man to sleep in with him or to drink a milkshake or finish a work out early. 

When Nathaniel moved in, it all seemed to have gotten worse, not better. Nathaniel had walked into the immaculate house and Craig had apologized for the mess. To this day, Nathaniel could never figure out what precisely the mess he was referring to was. Nathaniel had tried to take over the housework. That ended once Nathaniel grew tired of Craig redoing his work almost as soon as he was done. He tried to make dinner for them and the girls. That ended when the two almost began to race each evening to get to the kitchen first. 

When Nathaniel bought Craig a Fitbit tracker for his birthday, he didn’t realize that he was going to lose more of his boyfriend. Craig was as obsessed with that fancy pedometer as he was the day he got it. If Nathaniel had to hear another word about heart rate or ‘getting my step goal’, he was going to lose his mind. Then Craig figured out that there were apps that counted his calories so Craig could not eat a bite of something without whipping out his phone to track it. 

Their sex life had become more or less another thing to put on Craig’s daily checklist. Fold River’s onesies, check. Email the supplier, check. Give Nathaniel a blow job, check. Nathaniel knew that it was not truly that dismal, but that’s how it felt like most of the time. There was no way that he could never have the same Greek god body that Craig did. He had slimmed down quite a bit since he started to accompany Craig on some of his work outs and started eating better. But Nathaniel was still painfully aware of the differences between them. Between Craig’s ‘get it done’ attitude and Nathaniel’s own insecurities, their love making became less and less frequent. They were still having sex, but it was more often than not Nathaniel joining Craig in the shower for ten minutes. Not that shower sex wasn’t nice, but Nathaniel wanted more.

All of that could have been fine. Nathaniel could deal with all of it, if it was not for the fact that Craig would not let Nathaniel help with the girls. With Amanda away, Nathaniel had felt a hole in his life that he could only describe as empty nest syndrome. Being with Hazel, Briar and River brought back a joy into his life. No matter his inadequacies, Nathaniel was more than confident that he was a great father. 

He had told Craig that he had no intentions of replacing Smashley as the second parent. He just wanted to be in their life. But each time Nathaniel tried to help, he was rebuffed. Nathaniel could play with the girls, but as far as caregiving, it was clear that Craig was the parent. Craig was the one who took Hazel and Briar to practice. He was the one who insisted on getting out of bed in the middle of the night to tend to River. He was the one who packed lunches and checked homework. 

What did that make Nathaniel? Some guy who lived with their father?

He had made the mistake of confiding to Mary and Robert about his insecurities. Robert and Mary had accepted Nathaniel, making their duo now a trio when it came to drinking at the local bar and bullshitting fellow patrons. Mary was more than tipsy when Nathaniel sheepishly told his story. She raised a shot glass and indicated for Nathaniel to do the same with his. She clicked her glass against his and said with a wide, amused grin, “Here’s to being props in our significant others’ well-manicured lives…”

Nathaniel didn’t have too many friends in the cul-de-sac. He didn’t care for people outside of who was in his immediate circle. His friendships were far and few between. Therefore, it almost made sense that he would align himself with two of the more antisocial members of the cul-de-sac. He knew he had found a kindred spirit in the dry humor of Wine Mom Mary. Nathaniel was intrigued by Robert. It was simple for him to ignore the pass Robert made at him the first night they met. Craig was his best friend, even before they became an official couple. With everyone else, he kept a healthy distance from them. He didn’t care for suburban pleasantries. 

It wasn’t often that Nathaniel did things that he didn’t want to do. Normally, he would have no problem declining Craig’s invitation to some sort of athletic endeavor. 

Maybe it was the need to feel secure again in their relationship. Maybe that was why Nathaniel agreed to this godforsaken sunrise run with Craig. Maybe that was why he put himself into color coordinated outfits from Craig’s athleisure line. Maybe that’s why he didn’t go back to the car. 

“Ready, bro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited!


	2. Breaking

While Craig had carefully made music playlists for every possible running situation, Nathaniel favored listening to podcasts of the history or true crime variety. Craig had talked to him about the benefit of matching the music’s rhythm to the current heartbeat, but the discussion became more of a lecture. Nathaniel found that he was more likely to push himself further on a run when he was entertained by a story rather than a song he had heard a dozen times before. 

It was quiet on the 5K hiking trail. Nathaniel did not think that he would see another soul. Who else would be out at 6 AM on a cold November morning? His eyes darted around the wooded area, taking note of the snails making their way from one side of the trail to the other. He carefully ran over them, hoping that he was not about to be a snail murderer today. The grass had a thin white layer of frost. A small, fond smile formed on Nathaniel’s face. He remembered Amanda when she was little and how she would insist that the frost was snow. Her sweet little face would crumble when she would try to pick up the snow only to watch it melt in her hands. He could not wait for her to come home. 

Despite Nathaniel dancing with a healthier lifestyle, he had only been working at it for months. Craig had years of experience. He could tell when he was slowing Craig down. He preferred to work in the gym with Craig so each man could go at their own pace. “Go ahead,” Nathaniel said, taking an earbud out of his ear as he tried to get Craig’s attention. He was already panting.

Craig looked at him and took an earbud out as well. “Are you sure?” He asked, his voice even and not indicative that they had at least ran a kilometer by now. Nathaniel really needed to join him more.

“Yeah, I’ll catch up. Give me like ten minutes,” Nathaniel said. Craig still looked at him as though he wanted to say something. Nathaniel waved his hand, not particularly wanting to hear Craig insist that he didn’t mind. “I’ll catch up,” He repeated, noticing that his voice was more clipped than he wanted it to be. 

“…Alright,” Craig said, putting the earbud back in his ear. He looked forward and he seemed to suddenly run as though he was a bullet fired from a gun. Nathaniel could only appreciate his strong back and his toned ass for half a minute before Craig turned around the corner. He put his earbud back in and returned to listening to a serial killer story with a perfect musical score in the background.

He had been on the hiking trail a few times before. Without the novelty of the scenery or any animals to look out for, it was easy for Nathaniel to zone out. The cold had stopped bothering him and he could focus on his thoughts. 

When it came to long term relationships, he had a grand total of two so far in his life. There was Alex and now there was Craig. Of course, there were people before Alex and he had dated occasionally after. But he could keep himself at a comfortable distance. He didn’t worry about what they thought about him. He brought his fair share of girls and the occasional boy back to his room during college. Looking back, Craig had never been the type to do so despite all the sorority girls tripping over themselves to get to him. He was the one with the serious girlfriend and Nathaniel was the one that never could keep himself interested in someone for more than a month. 

Suffice it to say that Nathaniel did not have much experience with a commitment like this. He wanted to stay with Craig. He loved him. Maybe he always did, in his own way. But he knew that he couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t keep feeling like a stranger in his home. He knew that he definitely couldn’t put himself through another quick round of sex. If that was what he wanted, he could have just stayed a bachelor and could have had series of one night stands on his own term. They were not even a year into their relationship. Things couldn’t grow stale now. 

As his mind drifted, Nathaniel glanced at his watch and realized, his heart jumping into his chest, that it had been well over ten minutes and he had not caught up to Craig. He cursed under his breath and picked up speed. He ran as quickly as he could and tried to keep up the pace. Rather than focusing on his breathing and the slight pain in his shin, Nathaniel thought again about his problems with Craig.

It really wasn’t Craig’s fault. He was the one who was being the best man he could be. What was Nathaniel honestly complaining about? How many men and women would complain about having a drop dead gorgeous boyfriend who loved his children, owned his own business and took great care of himself? It was increasingly difficult for Nathaniel to articulate what his problem was.

He just wanted to know what changed when he moved in. What had happened to make Craig revert back to his psychologically unhealthy lifestyle? What happened to lazy mornings? What happened that made Craig think that Nathaniel was incapable of taking care of children? 

It wasn’t long before he felt his phone vibrate. Someone was texting him. He glanced at his phone, located in his arm band. He could see that Craig had texted him. 

‘Are you okay? Where are you?’

Nathaniel pressed down on the message and, quite proud of himself for having figured it out, used the voice recognition software to text back to Craig.

"I'm okay. I'll be there in a bit," He said into the phone before suddenly letting out a hurt groan. Luckily, the sound was not picked up and awkwardly translated.

Nathaniel quickly recognized the pain in his legs, diagnosing it as muscle strain. He was no stranger to feeling, having experienced it frequently when he first began working out. Though, it was odd that he was feeling a stronger pain in his right leg. The chill November air was no help to his burning lungs. Yet, despite this, he kept running. He couldn’t see Craig yet. He would slow down when he saw him.

Craig was the one to ask him to move in. Nathaniel remembered pointing out that he had literally just bought the house he was living in. He would never disclose to Amanda that the point of selling the first house and downsizing was to ensure that he would have enough money to send her to school if the scholarship did not work out. Craig also pointed out that he could probably get exactly what he paid for it because he hadn’t lived in it for long. It made sense to move in at the time. He was over there all the time anyway. He had moved in several copies of his personal items. That’s what boyfriends did. They cohabitated. 

Maybe Craig hoped that moving Nathaniel in would mean he would have more exposure to Craig’s lifestyle and therefore, what Craig wanted.

The sudden thought came to him as he suddenly stumbled forward. It was shock over that thought, nothing more, he told himself as he straightened up and continued running.

He should have figured it out earlier. Craig had given him at least seven outfits from his athleisure line. Those weren’t gifts. Those were hints. Craig took care of the grocery shopping. That wasn’t just another thing Craig wanted to take care of. That was making sure there was nothing to tempt Nathaniel in the house. That went along with him making dinner each night, didn’t it? Maybe that’s why Craig was so vocal with his stupid fitness tracker and the stupider calorie counting app. More fucking hints.

It would explain their sex life or lack thereof. He couldn’t believe that he was being manipulated like this. For God’s sake, he had a child who was old enough to be in college. He was supposed to be savvier than this. If he could see through Joseph the minute they met, he should have seen what Craig was doing. 

And the girls. This truly angered Nathaniel, pulling out of the self-pitying circular thinking he was involved in moments before. Did Craig think he wasn’t a good parent? Did he not trust him with his daughters? Amanda was the best damn thing that Nathaniel ever poured his time, energy and love into. She was the most important person in his life. Nathaniel was a great father and he would be great to Craig’s daughters. Maybe he wasn’t as in shape as Craig. Maybe he wasn’t as successful. Maybe he was a chore to be in bed with. He could concede to all that and he’ll work on that later. He wasn’t going to let his boyfriend make him question his parenting.

A sharp pain pulled him out of his litany of thoughts, forcing Nathaniel to trip again. He had to stop in his tracks as he took in the shooting pain in his leg. It soon became localized, the pain located in a spot on the inside of his shin. He placed a hand on the area and rubbed it for a minute before he attempted to run again. His heart was racing in his chest and he was shaking with each breath. He straightened up and knew instantly that whatever the hell was going on with his shin was going to prevent him from going any faster than a slow walk.

Nathaniel took each step painfully, limping as he maneuvered his way further down the path. Well, that blew his plan of catching up with Craig. Thinking about the man immediately threw him back into the circle of negative thoughts, further souring his mood. 

It was five minutes after he started walking that Craig texted him again.

‘Bro, if you wanted to take it easy the rest of the way, it’s cool. Just let me know. You’re taking longer than usual.’

Did the man track how long it took him to run five kilometers? Of course he did. He didn't answer and kept walking forward.

Another five minutes passed and Nathaniel was annoyed when his podcast was interrupted by Craig calling him. He waited patiently for the call to end before he attempted to increase his speed. His leg was not having that and another wave of pain shot through him. 

The text came not even thirty seconds after the call.

'I'm coming to get you'


	3. In Times of Strife

By the time Craig met Nathaniel on the hiking trail, Nathaniel’s podcast had come to a close and his leg had not seemed to have gotten any better. He took the earbuds out of his ears when he saw Craig’s athletic figure run up to him. Craig had a look of worry on his face until he saw Nathaniel. His furrowed brow and wide eyes transformed into a look of relief. “Bro! I thought you got snatched or something,” Craig said as he ran to him, a joking smile on his face. He rubbed the back of his neck before he leaned down to get a kiss from Nathaniel.

Nathaniel turned his face so that Craig’s lips met his cheek. In a split second hindsight, he knew it was petty. “Nope. You’re stuck with me,” Nathaniel said, the tone of his voice mixed between a forced joke and passive aggression. Mary would be proud.

Craig picked up on the tone and his smile wavered. The two locked eyes for a moment before Craig’s eyes moved to Nathaniel’s leg. “What’s wrong?” He asked, tilting his head towards the awkward positioning of his leg as he stood.

“Nothing. Just muscle pain. It’s been a while since I’ve ran on a trail,” Nathaniel pointed out, hoping that he could get Craig to go on a tangent of the pros and cons of treadmill vs. outside running. He would not be so lucky.

“Walk on it,” Craig stated, not asking Nathaniel to do so. It wasn’t an order either. Nathaniel sighed before taking a few steps forward. He tried to hide his limp, but he could see that Craig knew the nuances of his body almost as well as he did. He could also see that Craig was now frowning and his brows were knitted once more in concern.

“Can you stand on it?” Craig asked this time. Nathaniel sighed before raising his left leg, putting all of his weight on his right. He stumbled to the side as soon as he lifted his leg. Craig swooped in from behind at once, grabbing Nathaniel by his arms so he could settle him back on both feet. His hands were still on Nathaniel’s skin and Nathaniel realized that it was still under fifty degrees outside. He shivered as a gust of wind moved over them.

“Looks like you’ve got a stress fracture, bro,” Craig said, moving his arms up and down Nathaniel’s body in response to his shiver. Because Nathaniel could not see Craig’s face, he could only go on his tone to determine how serious this was.   
“Do I need to go to the doctor?” Nathaniel asked, alarmed at the word fracture. He didn’t feel like he had broken anything, but he had never broken a bone before. 

“It’s not that bad, bro. It’s not an actual break. Stress fractures can be common. I used to get them when I first started running on trails like these. You push yourself on terrain that your body’s not used to. Your bones aren’t used to it so they get tiny fractures in there. You should be okay. Rest up for a week or two.” Before Nathaniel could even ask a follow up question, Craig had let go of his hold on Nathaniel’s arms and had backed away from him. Nathaniel turned to look at Craig and he could see flickers of guilt scattered in Craig’s dark eyes.

“What?” Nathaniel asked, his spite leaving him as he took in the almost stricken look in Craig’s eyes. He still loved the man after all. 

“I should have stayed with you and made sure you weren’t pushing yourself, bro,” Craig stated as the two started walking down the trail. Nathaniel never thought that the man could manage to walk as slowly as he was now. 

“I’m the one that told you to go on. I don’t need a babysitter,” Nathaniel said, keeping his gaze forward. He could feel Craig’s gaze on him. The quiet, which he had previously craved, was now grating on him. It was an uncomfortable silence. The type of silence that grimly reminded Nathaniel of the grieving room in the hospital. The doctor did not exactly know how to handle Nathaniel just staring him when the doctor gave him the news about Alex’s death. Internally, Nathaniel was screaming. Why Alex? Why not him? This wasn’t supposed to happen. What was he going to tell Amanda? He couldn’t do this by himself. As Nathaniel was frantically trying to ease the speeding train of this thoughts, all the doctor could probably see was blank, blue eyes. 

This day just kept getting better and better and it wasn’t even seven.

“Is everything okay?” Craig finally asked after almost three excruciating minutes of silence. 

“Fine. Everything is fine. I just torn something in my bone and it hurts. Other than that, everything is fine,” Nathaniel said, his words coming out far more harshly than he intended. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Craig almost flinch at his words. He took a deep breath and tried to change the topic of conversation, “Are you picking up the girls this afternoon or is Smashley dropping them off?”

“I’m going to pick them up after lunch,” Craig said. There was no further conversation. No elaboration on if he was going to take them to get ice cream. No commentary on missing them. Nathaniel’s hope that Craig would dominate the conversation was dashed and that awkward silence returned. 

Before Nathaniel could try again, Craig started, “Bro…” Nathaniel turned to look at him and watched as he rubbed the back of his neck as though he was about to ask something significant. Oh what the hell was Craig going to dump on him now?

“Feel free to say no, but I would love for you to come with me when I picked them up.”

Oh…Nathaniel did not expect that.

“Need company on the thirty minute drive over there?” Nathaniel asked, trying to figure out where that question came from. 

“Well, having you there would be nice,” Craig said, that smile returning back to his face. Nathaniel felt the tension in his muscles lessen at the sight. His smile, like Alex’s, was always comforting. It meant everything would be alright. “But I kind of wanted to bring you so you could meet Smashley.”

Nathaniel could feel his jaw tightening, “I met her. Twenty years ago at college. She was the one with ‘Sweet Honesty’ on her t-shirt and downing a fifth of vodka at some pre game. You looked like you fell in love when you saw her in that moment.” Craig was head over heels after that. Nathaniel was jealous at the time. He was losing his best friend. What happened to bros before hoes? 

Maybe he had been jealous for a different reason. He just didn’t know.

Craig paused before continuing on, “I know that, bro.” His own voice seemed to have a strained patience in it. “I just…you know that Smashley and I are doing the co-parent thing. And I told her about you. She’s really happy for us. And…” He was struggling to find the right words. Nathaniel could see that. 

He had to end this conversation. Wherever it was going, it was not going to go somewhere pleasant.

“Maybe next time, bro. Like you said, I need to rest up,” Nathaniel said. They were at the end of the trail that led to the parking lot. He went to Craig’s car at once, opening the passenger side door and hopping in while Craig got into the driver’s seat. He had hoped that with his words that he ended the conversation. 

The drive home was full of more silence. When Nathaniel realized it, he didn’t even feel comfortable with turning on the radio. He shifted in his seat before looking down at his lap. As the minutes ticked by and Nathaniel was warmed up and subsequently relaxed, his thoughts had stopped racing.

“You would have felt it before it happened,” Craig stated out of nowhere as they stopped at a red light. 

“Excuse me?” Nathaniel asked, not sure what he was referring to and where that accusatory tone came from.

“Stress fractures don’t just appear without warning. You got to listen to your body, bro. You can’t just ignore it,” Craig continued, his hands gripping the steering wheel, “And why didn’t you text me and let me know?” He said, firing off his question.

Confused and taken aback, Nathaniel did not answer at first. He was not about to respond with ‘I was having really shitty thoughts about our life together so I ignored you like a sixteen year old’.

Even though Craig did not receive an answer, he started talking again, “I shouldn’t have left you behind.”

“Craig, it is not that big of a deal. You said it yourself. I didn’t break anything,” Nathaniel said. When he started dating Craig, he had learned how to ease Craig when he would get worked up. But now, he was tired, sweaty and his leg hurt. He wanted to get on the couch, grab some kale chips (because Godforbid if there were actual potato chips in that house) and binge watch something on the History Channel.

“You could have seized up and stumbled off the trail and into a ditch and gotten a concussion and I wouldn’t have known because you didn’t answer your phone,” Craig said, his voice growing increasingly frantic. Yet he articulated each word without stumbling as though that sentence was not unfamiliar to him. The light must have turned green, because Craig started driving again, his eyes on the road in front of him rather than Nathaniel.

Wondering where the hell this was coming from, Nathaniel responded back without thinking, “Well I’m not in a ditch somewhere. Don’t read that much into it, Craig. I don’t feel the need to respond back to whoever texts or calls me within ten seconds like you are Craig.” 

Craig let out a laugh of disbelief, shaking his head, “Oh wow. Fine. Next time, I’ll just hope that you’re not hurt and hang out in the parking lot until you decide to show up. “

Feeling like a teenager when he was almost forty was not a particularly good feeling. “You’re not my father, Craig. I don’t need you to call me just because I don’t finish a 5k in my allotted time,” Nathaniel said, looking out the window so he did not have to look at Craig. “I’m not another thing in your life you can micromanage.”

It was clear that this was no longer about who pushed themselves too hard and who may or may not have overreacted.

Craig started talking again and this time Nathaniel turned to look at him. His knuckles were white from grabbing the steering wheel. “I’m not micromanaging you, Nathaniel. I was just making an observation.” He looked away from the road and asked him, “Why do you think I’m micro-“

Nathaniel snapped at him as soon as his eyes left the road, “Look at where you are driving.” All he needed to make this day better was for Craig to veer off the road because they were arguing. 

His partner huffed in frustration as he looked back to the road, “Bro, I don’t know what I’m doing to make you think that-“

Nathaniel wanted to laugh, especially in light of what he realized earlier. “I’m not stupid. Ever since I moved in, you’ve been trying to mold me into your life.”

“The actual fuck, bro?” Craig asked, the term of endearment made Nathaniel cringe when he heard it. He looked at him out of the corner of his eye, suspiciously, “Are you sure that you didn’t fall and hit your head?”

Nathaniel honestly thought he was going to lose it. He restrained himself from hitting the dashboard and snapped back at Craig, “I didn’t hit my head, but I did come to my senses.” He pressed back into the head rest and stared up at the black interior of Craig’s car. “It’s your house and your children and I’m just part of the furniture.”

It was then that Craig looked up into the rearview mirror, slammed on breaks and pulled off on the side of the road.

The sudden motion made Nathaniel jerk forward, his heart pounding out of his chest as his mind raced back to the car accident with Alex. He struggled to catch his breath and remind himself that they weren’t in danger at the moment. “Craig, what the hell is wrong with you?” Nathaniel asked as he turned to look at him, watching as Craig put the car into park. 

He could see that Craig was struggling to hold something back. He man wouldn’t look at him directly for a while. His eyes were glazed over in thought. He finally stated the words that made Nathaniel’s heart drop. 

“We need to talk.”


	4. Crisis Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I know that I originally planned for this to have four chapters. But the more I flesh out the story, the more I realized that it is going to turn out to be a bit longer. I hope that you're enjoying it so far. Thank you everyone for the kudos and comments and subscriptions.

“We need to talk.”

Whoever came up with that phrase ought to be thrown over a cliff angry mob style. Nathaniel’s heart jumped into his throat and he was almost choking on the anxiety. “Bro,” He began, again trying to stall the inevitable, “I’ve had a rough morning and I just really want to go home. Whatever it is, we can talk about it later.” He avoided Craig’s gaze and he looked out of the windshield at the cars passing by on their early commutes. If he was going to fight with Craig, he would rather at least have had a shower beforehand. 

“No,” Craig’s voice was strained and it almost sounded like he was holding back having to yell at Nathaniel to get his point across. “You don’t get to say something like that to me and expect me not to respond.” 

Something like that? Oh…The furniture comment. 

“It’s….I don’t know what I was saying,” Nathaniel said, desperately trying to end this conversation again. He hated confrontation, especially with people that he was in a relationship with. 

It seemed that his words backfired and Craig responded, insistently, “No. You said that I was trying to mold you into my life. Nathaniel, I never meant to do that.”

They did not pull out the first names often. First names meant things were serious, though not in a necessarily negative way. Nathaniel wondered if he could somehow melt into the car and disappear so he didn’t have to go through with this conversation. Craig was going to make him spell out exactly what his problem was and Nathaniel didn’t want to admit what he was thinking. “I’m sure it’s not intentional. I mean, you don’t catch me as that terrible a person. I’m sure it’s subconscious,” Nathaniel said, glancing over at Craig.

Craig looked even more confused at Nathaniel’s explanation. He opened his mouth as though to speak, but soon closed it. “No, Nathaniel, I meant that I am not doing that to you. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think that, but you know that I love you as you are and I wouldn’t change anything about our life together.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but Nathaniel took the opportunity the pause gave him in order to jump in.

“Bro,” Nathaniel started, trying to make the conversation less serious than what it was, “Just forget it. It’s nothing.” He moved his hand to Craig’s, which was still on the steering wheel, hoping the touch would cool him down.

Instead, Craig pulled his hand back, flinching back at his partner’s touch. Nathaniel’s heart, which had previously located itself in his esophagus, sunk to the pit of his stomach at the rejection. All the movement did was add fuel to the fire that was his insecurities. Ever since Nathaniel moved in, Craig was the one to initiate any affection, not exclusively for sex. If Nathaniel did, he was brushed off unless he had Craig’s complete and undivided attention. Now, he had that and Craig still couldn’t stand to be touched by him. 

If Craig knew the significance of what had happened between the two in that moment, he didn’t show it. “You have to tell me what’s wrong. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong,” Craig said, setting his hand back down on the steering wheel. 

“This isn’t something you can fix,” Nathaniel said, emphasizing the word ‘fix’ with a scoffing laugh. He turned away from him and set his arm on the window so he could prop his head up with his hand. “But you knew that already, didn’t you?” 

He expected a response and was put off by the silence that followed. 

“Is this because I asked you to meet Smashley?” Craig asked, a mixture of wonder and guilt in his voice. Nathaniel glanced over and watched as Craig moved his forehead to meet the steering wheel. His face was tight with tension and he continued to speak, “I knew I was going too far. I knew it. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No it’s not because of Smashley,” Nathaniel said, his voice exhausted with the emotional toll this morning was taking on him. He rubbed his face, looking through his fingers at Craig. As far as exes go, Nathaniel knew he hit the jackpot. Smashley didn’t bother him. She and Craig both treated each other like old friends. She took care of the girls when she had them. “I would like to meet her. I was friends with her too. Just not today,” Nathaniel shrugged, looking back out the window of the car.

“You and I both know that I’m not introducing her to you just to catch up,” Craig said, sounding just as tired. What a voice was that. Craig being tired. Nathaniel didn’t think that he would ever live to hear Craig without energy bouncing off his voice. 

A smirk curled on Nathaniel’s lips as he tried to lighten the mood, “Threesome, then?”

Craig didn’t laugh. “You’re an important part of my life. You’re with my girls. And I assume you’re going to be around for a while once we get over whatever the hell is bothering you. I’m extending the same courtesy to Smashley that she would to me if she had someone else in her life.”

Nathaniel glanced over at Craig again who still had his forehead on the steering wheel. The two men sat in silence before Craig finally sat back up. His hand went to the car’s gear and shifted back into drive. “But you don’t want to do that. I don’t blame you. You had your daughter and she’s grown up. Why would you want to raise three more?”

Okay. What the actual fuck?

Nathaniel reached over and pushed the car’s gear back in park before Craig could drive off. Craig looked at him questionably before Nathaniel asked, “What are you talking about?” It was his turn to be utterly bewildered and caught off guard. “You know I love the girls. Amanda loves them. I’d do anything for them.” He added after a beat, “You’re the one that won’t let me do anything with them.”

Craig looked like Nathaniel had lost his mind and he was trying to figure out how to get him to the closest hospital. “I don’t…I don’t stop you from being with my children,” His words were slow as though he was trying to pick the best ones for this situation. 

Nathaniel raised his eyebrow in disbelief before he began to list off examples. “You won’t let me go to River if she wakes up in the middle of the night.”

“You’re asleep. I tell you that I got it,” Craig said, furrowing his brow. 

“You won’t let me drive the twins to school or pick them up,” Nathaniel listed off again.

“I told you that I’m working on getting your name on the pick up/drop off list at the school,” Craig said, his resolve faltering. 

“It’s November. You’ve been telling me that for three months,” Nathaniel said with a roll of his eyes. He had stopped asking. He knew when to take the hint. “And God forbid if any of them gets sick. I bet you would kick me out of the house rather than let me go near them.”

Craig scoffed in disbelief, “So I’m the bad guy because I won’t let you catch a stomach virus?” 

“And it’s okay for you to risk getting sick?” Nathaniel prompted. Not that any germ could make it into Craig’s amazing immune system. That would be like climbing Mount Everest. 

“That’s different. I’m their father.” And here they were. The crux of everything finally coming to a head and Nathaniel could no longer keep quiet.

“And what does that make me to them?” Nathaniel asked, wondering why his voice was cracking. Then he felt a sudden stinging in his eyes. He moved his hand over his eyes, wiping away at the stray tears that threatened to flow out. “Some guy that their dad is fucking?” He let out another harsh laugh, “No, that would have to mean that we were actually fucking.” Before he could allow Craig to get a word in, he continued, “Don’t you dare call us in the shower fucking. You don’t multitask when you’re fucking. When was the last time we were in bed? When was the last time that we had sex without being on a time crunch? Do you remember? Because I don’t.” 

Craig looked like Nathaniel had slapped him in the face. The audacity furthered angered Nathaniel. The blood seemed to have left Craig’s face and his hands began to tremble. Each movement enraged Nathaniel. How could he do that? How could he act as though he was the victim? 

As frustrated as he was, as much in pain as Nathaniel was in, he still loved Craig. Which was why his emotions began to subside when Craig’s breathing began to quicken at an alarming pace. Nathaniel watched, shock replacing fury as his partner began hyperventilating. Craig’s hand tightened around the steering wheel and he placed his other hand on his chest. 

It was like when Nathaniel realized how serious the car accident was for Alex. You don’t think about how you were annoyed or how you felt wronged. It all disappears when the ones you care for are hurt. He reached out to Craig, putting his hand on his shoulder, “Are you-“

“Don’t touch me,” Craig managed to get out through ragged gasps. Nathaniel immediately pulled back. Unlike before, there was no annoyance or feelings of disrespect. He only watched, feeling helpless to do anything to ease what was going on with Craig. 

It ended almost as quickly as it came. Craig’s breathing soon slowed and he released his grip on the steering wheel and his shirt. He inhaled and exhaled with a steadier control with each breath he took. He closed his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry,” He began, “I just can’t stand someone touching me when I have them.”

Nathaniel asked, gently, as though the fight that happened before was a dream, “Panic attacks?” He didn’t live under a rock. He could piece together what was going on with Craig. 

“I haven’t had one in a long time,” Craig stated. Guilt moved through Nathaniel and he looked down at the console that separated the two seats rather than Craig.

He didn’t mean to let all of his thoughts come out like that. He was just so frustrated and Craig wouldn’t let it go. “I’m sorry,” He said, wanting to leave it at that. But he knew that he couldn’t. He couldn’t lay his cards on the table like that and expect Craig to leave it alone. 

“It’s not your fault,” Craig said as he went to put the car in drive. Nathaniel didn’t stop him this time. He checked the mirror before pulling back out on the road. 

Nathaniel didn’t speak. He didn’t want to upset Craig again, especially when they were driving. Why did he have to speak? Why did he have to bring this all up? Why couldn’t he just lie? His frustration moved from Craig to himself. Why couldn’t he just say ‘Sure I’ll meet Smashley’ or ‘I love our family dynamic just the way it is’ or ‘Our sex life is great. Wouldn’t change a thing’? 

He did not say those things though. Instead, Nathaniel told the truth. And he was going to pay for it. 

No one said anything, even when Craig parked the car in front of their home. They didn’t look at each other when Craig unlocked the door for the two of them. The only communication that existed between the two was when Craig went to the kitchen to make a smoothie. That usually meant that Nathaniel could shower first. 

It wasn’t until Nathaniel took the first step up on the staircase in the house that he remembered that he had hurt his leg. He glared at the body part. “This is all your fault,” He muttered to himself as he forced himself to climb each stair through the pain. 

Part of Nathaniel wanted to take a shower, crawl into bed (because he was not going to try going downstairs) and stew in his misery. The other part knew that while that would be the easy choice, it was not the right choice. 

They needed to talk.


	5. Silence Is One of the Hardest Arguments to Refute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Five's title is a quote by Josh Billings
> 
> Special Guest Star: Amanda Ann

Clean and in a t shirt and sweatpants, Nathaniel lied down on the bed and wanted to settle in for a nap. But he knew that he couldn’t just yet. He waited for Craig to come upstairs. He had to go through their bedroom in order to get to their private bathroom. He listened for Craig to come up the stairs and was relieved when he heard them very soon after he got on the bed. The bedroom door opened and Craig walked in. He avoided Nathaniel’s gaze as he sped into the walk in closet. 

Nathaniel listened as Craig moved through his clothes, the hangers making a metallic scratching noise as he moved sets forward and backward. When Craig finally emerged, Nathaniel could see that he had picked out a blue shirt and black pants. It was Nathaniel’s favorite color combination. That had to be a good sign right? 

Unfortunately, that one positive sign was countered by two things. One, Craig was not speaking to or looking at Nathaniel. Two, he was bringing his clothes into the bathroom which meant that he wasn’t going to get dressed in front of Nathaniel. He had never done that, even when they were roommates in college. Nathaniel was the one who was shier about putting his body on display in front of another person. He watched as Craig went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

There wasn’t enough time for Nathaniel to pick apart what just happened before he heard the sound of his phone ringing. He instantly grabbed the phone that he had left on the end table and his heart jumped with excitement when he saw the contact name. He swiped to the right and grinned when he saw his daughter’s face smiling back at him. Facetiming with Amanda always made him happy.

“Hey, Panda,” Nathaniel said, grateful for his daughter’s distraction. If there was anything that could get him out of this mood, it was his daughter. 

Amanda loved college. She was able to do what she wanted each day, studying her craft while perfecting her aesthetic. It had been her dream to get into art school. Both Nathaniel and Alex wanted the best for their daughter. The two of them grew up in similar circumstances, of not having many opportunities in life. They brought Amanda into their lives with the intent of giving her everything she needed to succeed. Being able to send Amanda away, even though he missed her terribly, was the greatest thing Nathaniel could do for her and for Alex.

“Hey, Dad,” Amanda greeted as she adjusted herself on her bed in her dorm room. 

“What are you doing up so early?” Nathaniel asked her. It was Saturday. She should be sleeping in after a night of hopefully non-alcoholic partying. 

“Having eight AMs every single day does awful things to your body, Dad,” Amanda said in her playfully serious tone, “It makes you wake up at seven on a Saturday morning without prompting.” She groaned, throwing her head back, “What made me think that going to class at eight was the same in college as it was in high school?”

Nathaniel chuckled, amused. “How are classes going? Are you ready for exams?” 

“Ugh, yeah I guess,” Amanda said, rolling her eyes at the idea of the impending end of her first semester, “There’s only one real test and it’s for Art History. The rest are portfolios. I have a few more assignments and I’ll be done with that. It’s basically scrapbooking at this point.” 

“Is Art History the one with that guy who I need to beat up?” Nathaniel asked, thinking about the man who began the semester with bluntly telling the cozy cohort of forty freshmen that only ten of them would graduate and only two would actually achieve anything. Amanda had called him after the class, crying and insisting that she didn’t belong there. Craig was the one that stopped Nathaniel from getting into his car and driving over ten hours to Amanda’s university so he could kick the bastard’s ass. 

“No, that’s Photography I with Dr. Jerome. Art History is with Dr. Jersey. She’s the one that’s going to make the exam like three essay questions but only one of them actually counts,” Amanda told him. 

“I thought Dr. Jersey was the one who always showed up to class hungover and covered in cat hair?” Nathaniel asked, confused and secretly delighted to have his mind concentrate on something else.

“No, Dad. That’s Dr. Germaine. She’s our major advisor and the one that covers Drawing I on Fridays,” Amanda explained.

Wondering why he had to go through this again, Nathaniel just sighed. Hopefully next semester, there would be more phonetic diversity amongst these people. The sound of running water in the shower turned off. Craig should be out soon. 

“Is everything okay, Dad?” Amanda asked in response to Nathaniel’s sigh. 

“I’m fine,” He answered automatically. He had gotten used to saying ‘I’m fine’ or ‘Everything’s okay’ when asked for about two weeks following Alex’s death and funeral. It was a habit that never went away.

Amanda pursed her lips, looking so much like Alex in that moment. She did not look convinced and followed up, “You’re not a great liar, Dad. Your poker face kind of sucks. You’re in bed and you’re not a lie in bed type of guy. Couch? Absolutely. Bed, no.”

Wondering if Amanda would have done just as well as a detective, Nathaniel told a half lie to his daughter. Which technically wasn’t a lie. “I hurt my leg while out on a run with Craig this morning. I’m taking it easy.”

“Okay, three follow up questions,” Amanda said, appearing to be satisfied with that answer, “One, are you okay? Two, if you are did you cut yourself or something? Three, if you did, is it wicked and can I see?” The last question was full of enthusiasm and he watched as Amanda’s eyes lit up with anticipation. 

Chuckling, Nathaniel answered her, “I’m okay. And no, I didn’t cut myself. Craig says that it’s something called a stress fracture. It’s just internal.”

“Not even a bruise?” Amanda asked, looking like she was visibly disappointed. But Nathaniel knew that Amanda was happy that he was okay. And it was enough to get her mind of investigating what really was bothering him. After he shook his head, Amanda shrugged her shoulders, “Maybe next time…” She sighed and smile slightly, “I’m glad you’re okay, Dad.” 

Before he could respond, the door to the bathroom opened and a fully clothed Craig walked out. Nathaniel turned his head and immediately latched onto using his child as a buffer, “Hey Craig, guess whose facetiming me?” 

“Hey, Craig!” Amanda yelled, waving her hand. Nathaniel could feel another wave of relief rush over him when Craig smiled and walked over to the bed. Nathaniel handed him the phone and listened as the two of them talked. 

Craig asked about her classes and somehow he managed to remember which professor taught which class. Amanda asked about Hazel and Briar and if River had started walking yet. Nathaniel moved on the bed, propping himself up with several pillows. He moved around his leg, wincing as he tried to rotate it. The conversation went on for a few minutes before Craig handed Nathaniel the phone back. As soon as the phone went into Nathaniel’s hand, Craig made his way out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

Nathaniel hoped that he covered up the disappointment in front of Amanda. “So, what are you up to today?” He asked, looking back to her.

“My roommate and I are going to get brunch once she gets up. Then we’re probably going to work on our Photoshop project,” Amanda said, a small smile on her face. Nathaniel let the comfortable silence pass between the two. “I can’t wait to come home in December so you can make me breakfast.”

‘I can’t wait to have you home, Amanda…I…” Nathaniel could feel another wave of emotions come over him. “I’m just so proud of you. And your mother would be too. You’re doing so great and…” He must have done something right when he had her. 

“Daaaaad,” Amanda started, a flush of pink appearing on her cheeks. “Stop. I’m just going to college. I didn’t win a Pulitzer.” 

Nathaniel laughed, knowing that he would probably go into cardiac arrest if Amanda achieved something that wonderful. Knowing her though, it was a more realistic goal than she was letting on. “I’m your father. I’m supposed to be proud of you all the time.”

Amanda opened her mouth as if to say something, but she was interrupted by the sound of a girl calling her name. She turned her head to look over at the sound before she looked back at Nathaniel, “That’s Brianna. She’s up and she’s hungry.” She snickered before smiling at her father, “Got to go. Love you, Dad.”

“Love you, Amanda. Have fun,” Nathaniel said, dreading the end of the call. Without the distraction, he had to deal with what was going on in the house. That was, at least, until after lunch when Craig would leave to get the girls. Nathaniel and Amanda waved to each other before the call ended. The time on the phone stared back at him. Nathaniel had approximately five hours to go through before the twins and River were home and he would have a buffer for what was going on between Craig and himself.

He had two options. He could stay in bed and watch Planet Earth, avoiding the giant hole in his relationship. Or he could talk to Craig. One was more enticing than the other. 

The creak of the door opening indicated that he didn’t have a choice.


	6. First Steps in Mending

When Craig walked in, he was carrying a plate of food in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He walked over to Nathaniel and handed him both things. Nathaniel, who had never been given breakfast in bed before, had always imagined it as a fond daydream. Now, Craig’s hard to read expression and the emotional toll on his body made Nathaniel’s muscles tense with anticipation. On the plate were two sunny side up eggs, a slice of wheat toast and sliced strawberries. As far as healthy breakfasts go, it was his favorite. “Thanks,” Nathaniel said, setting the glass of water down and picking up the fork on the plate. Without much of an appetite, he used the fork to move the eggs around on the plate. 

Craig nodded, acknowledging that Nathaniel spoke .He sat down on the bed, his feet still on the floor. “How’s your leg doing?” He asked. At least he was looking at him now. 

“It’s alright. I’m going to take it easy today,” Nathaniel said, forcing himself to take a bite out of the eggs. He kept his eyes down on his plate before he tried to think of how he could bring up the fact that they needed to resolve what happened between them. But before he could say a word, Craig had gotten up and left the bedroom. 

Nathaniel’s first impulse was to take his frustration and throw the plate against the closest wall. His inhibition caught himself before he went through with it. It wouldn’t solve anything anymore than sitting around in silence wouldn’t solve anything. What happened in the car was one of the roughest conversations he ever had with someone. He didn’t want to do it again, but he had to.

When Nathaniel and Alex fought, Nathaniel was the one to go off and brood somewhere in a pile of self loathing and annoyance. Alex was the one that talked to him and more often than not apologized first. She was always the bigger person even when Nathaniel realized, in hindsight, he was in the wrong more often than not. For the two of them, this dynamic worked. Nathaniel didn’t have to learn how to solve relationship problems. Alex took care of problems. She took care of everything. 

He was an emotional wreck when he lost her. He didn’t want anyone except his daughter to even touch him for almost an entire year after. When trouble came in any relationship, no matter how minor, he would rather break up than go through a tough conversation. He didn’t want to break up with Craig. He loved Craig. He had to fight for it. He just didn’t know how.

After finishing his breakfast, Nathaniel set the plate on the end table next to the glass of water. Normally, he would immediately take the plate downstairs to put in the dishwasher. But he didn’t quite trust himself to make the trip downstairs. He took a deep breath before getting off the bed, putting his feet on the floor. His leg protested with a dull pain shooting from his ankle up to his knee. It would be much easier to stay in bed.

Unfortunately, just because it was easy didn’t mean that it was right.

Craig would probably be in his home office. Nathaniel usually didn’t bother Craig when he was working and Craig returned the favor by leaving him alone if he was writing. But, he figured an exception could be made for this. Nathaniel made his way to the closed door of Craig’s office and knocked on it. “Bro? Can we talk?” He asked, his voice far more shaky than what he would like. 

The answer came almost immediately. “Yeah.” It was short and to the point and Nathaniel knew there was no going back. He opened the door and walked into Craig’s office. Craig had a sleek computer sitting on a standing desk. Nathaniel watched as Craig wrapped up whatever he was working on, his brow furrowed in concentration. What caught Nathaniel’s attention was the redness around Craig’s eyes and puffy eyelids. The blood vessels in his eyes were pink and visible. He had been crying. Nathaniel caused that.

After saving and closing the documents and spreadsheets, Craig turned to look at Nathaniel. Before Nathaniel could say anything, Craig spoke first, “I made a list.” He turned around and picked up a white piece of paper the desk along with a pen. Thrown off by the seemingly simple comment, Nathaniel only watched as Craig walked over to him with the paper and pen.

“Things need to change,” Craig said and Nathaniel’s already tortured and exhausted mind jumped to the worst and obvious conclusion. His eyes rested on the piece of paper and he reached forward to try and take it from Craig’s hand. Craig raised his arm, holding the paper just out of Nathaniel’s reach. Craig looked down at him with those rid rimmed eyes and continued, “I just want you to take a look and add what you think will help.”

That list was meant for Nathaniel. There was only one subject that the list could be referring to. The list had things Nathaniel needed to change about himself. Thinking about all of what was wrong with him was hard enough. He was not going to say it. It hurt and he could feel the humiliation turn in his stomach and force blood into his cheeks. And yet beneath it all, there was a twisted sense of satisfaction. Nathaniel was right. Craig was trying to mold him into what he wanted. 

Craig handed him the list and Nathaniel snatched it out of his hand along with the pen. “You’re the only person I would do this for, you know?” He spoke, very much aware of the venom in his voice. He hated himself for considering it. 

Once again, Craig looked at Nathaniel like he had hit him. Pain and surprise flashed through his eyes before a sudden wall came up. “Yes, thank you for that. I appreciate that you’re willing to work on our relationship instead of running away,” He spoke, his voice thick with sarcasm. 

Nathaniel had been up since five thirty in the morning. He had slowly realized the unhappy state of his relationship. He had hurt himself trying to catch up with Craig. He was carrying around the fact that he was not wanted as he was. He had a fight with Craig. He caused a panic attack. He had been, for lack of a better word, ignored since the moment they got home. He was absolutely out of patience and Nathaniel snapped back at him, crumpling the paper in his hand as he tightened his fist around it, “Maybe I do run away. But I didn’t waste over a decade of my life in a relationship to someone I was not attracted to. That was you.”

Craig had confided in Nathaniel during the early stages of their relationship that the reason he and Smashley divorced was that he was gay. He struggled with his sexuality for the better part of his life, adding onto the already wound too tight man. He knew he was making Smashley miserable, but he didn’t want to break up their home. Craig carried a lot of guilt over what happened, especially concerning that River’s conception was the result of his many desperate attempts to lie to himself near the end of the marriage. Nathaniel had always been grateful that Smashley didn’t hate Craig for it. She supported him and they raised their daughters better than most married parents did. 

It was a low blow, but Nathaniel could not bring himself to care in that moment. He wanted to lash out and he succeeded. Craig looked stricken as though Nathaniel had stabbed him in the back. Nathaniel waited, almost impatiently, for Craig to jab him back with a comeback. Perhaps it would be about Nathaniel’s bisexuality. Something along the lines of ‘It’s better than sticking myself into every hole I find’. But there was only silence and Nathaniel would rather be further humiliated than take the silence. 

Well, let’s rip this bandaid off and see what he needed to do. 

He unclenched his hand and went to look at the list he was holding. As he read it, he realized just how wrong he was. “This isn’t about me…” He realized, his voice dull with his shock. He struggled to bring himself back to the present state and take in what he was reading.

What he expected to see was a list of demands for Nathaniel. Honestly, he was not far from the truth. Someone was going to change things about themselves. It was not expected to be Nathaniel. These things were for Craig. 

Some of the things on the list were pertaining to Nathaniel, but they were along the lines of Craig being more affectionate and attentive to Nathaniel. It was then followed by a promise to have sex more often and not in the shower. The list was small but there was room for more to write. It was then that Nathaniel noticed the pen that Craig was putting in his face. 

“I was going to write more, but I thought that if I’m doing this for you, then you needed to be the person to write it down,” Craig told him. He looked at him expectantly. There was something final about his tone. It was a strange cocktail of defeat and relief. 

“You want me to write down what I want you to do?” Nathaniel asked. Craig’s nod confirmed what he feared. Part of him wanted to tear the paper in half while the other part of him, a selfish part, wanted to jump on the opportunity and write down exactly what he wanted from Craig. He looked at Craig and neither of them said anything. He took the pen from Craig’s hand, not missing the look crossing his face. It could only be described as a depressed surprise. He thought he was going to go through with it.

Nathaniel wrote down one phrase on the list before handing it back to Craig. 

Craig took it from him, reading what Nathaniel wrote, “Talk to me…” The instant he spoke those words, Nathaniel could not stand it anymore. He stood there in front of the love of his life and practically threw himself against him. He instinctively turned his head to the side so his cheek could rest on Craig’s collarbone. His thin arms wrapped around Craig’s rock hard torso and clung onto him. How long had it been since they had done something so chaste and yet so intimate? The pen fell to the floor along with the piece of paper. Nathaniel didn’t feel Craig return the embrace at first, but it wasn’t long before he felt strong arms envelope him. 

“I don’t want this. I don’t want us to go on like this. I don’t want to lose what we have. I don’t want to lose you,” Nathaniel told him, embarrassed at his rambling. He suddenly felt Craig’s arms tighten around him. He didn’t realize until that moment how insecure and lost he was until that moment when he finally felt grounded. 

“Me either,” Craig began, kissing the top of Nathaniel’s head. His voice was tight and raspy as he tried to hold his emotions back. “I can’t lose you again.”

Again. 

Nathaniel looked up at Craig and he could see fear and apprehension flash through Craig’s eyes at his admission. He thought back to the years they spent nearly inseparable in college. He thought about how it all changed when Craig was with Smashley and then when Nathaniel met Alex. They graduated. They tried to stay friends. Then Nathaniel became a father and Amanda and Alex became his entire world. He didn’t even know Craig became a father. It was painful for any deep friendship. If Craig had feelings that he did not act on, Nathaniel couldn’t imagine how much the lost contact hurt. 

“You never said anything,” Nathaniel said, wondering if how he would have handled it. Knowing how he was during that time period, he knew that it would not have worked out. Nathaniel was too self-absorbed at the time to see Craig as anything other than his partner in crime. He had no interest in commitment and that didn’t change until he saw the gorgeous freckled graduate teacher assistant in his Early Literature class. The look that Craig was giving him made Nathaniel think that Craig knew what would have happened as well.

“I was a trainwreck…” Craig began. He shrugged his shoulders as he slid his arms off of Nathaniel. The two men stepped away from each other. “I was always on the verge of flunking out of college. I was either hungover or drunk. I had nothing going for me. How was I supposed to compete with her?” He gave a tight smile before he asked, “Can I be honest though?”

Nathaniel nodded, still processing Craig’s admission. Nothing good had come out of not being honest with each other. 

“I’m glad that we’re together now. We could make this work,” Craig told him. “I have my act together now. I can do a better job of being what you needed.” Nathaniel tried to smile at those words, but he couldn’t. Craig was taking all the blame in this hypothetical relationship. They had not hit at the root of the problem. 

A comfortable silence passed between the two and Nathaniel relished it. It was only broken when Craig’s eyes went to Nathaniel’s leg and asked him, “How are you doing?”

“It’s alright,” Nathaniel said quickly as he shifted in his stance. The moment he did, he felt a sudden jolt in his leg. He put his hand on his leg in an effort to steady himself.

“Doesn’t look alright, bro,” Craig said, a frown forming on his face. Nathaniel’s heart leaped at the term of endearment. Before he could say anything, Craig moved closer to him, his frown turning into a smirk. Nathaniel raised his eyebrow, watching as Craig slid one arm around his waist. Then suddenly, Craig bent down and moved his free arm behind Nathaniel’s knees. Before Nathaniel knew it, Craig had picked him up. “Let’s get you back on the bed,” Craig said over Nathaniel’s nervous and excited laughter.

“You don’t have to carry me, bro. I can walk the ten steps back to our room,” Nathaniel said as he eased himself back into a calm demeanor. He wrapped his arms around Craig’s neck in an effort to balance himself.

“Twelve steps according to this,” Craig pointed out as he flexed his Fitbit on his wrist. 

Nathaniel looked at the fancy pedometer and found himself glowering at it. The sudden sight reminded him of the fact that there was more to talk about. “Can I tell you some things?” He asked as Craig started the short walk back to their bedroom. “Things that you may not want to hear,” He added on, feeling how Craig had tense slightly at those words.

Craig looked at him and nodded before offering up his own suggestion, “Only if I can do the same.” Nathaniel could feel his stomach twist. He could only imagine what was going to be said and he didn’t want to hear about it.

“I love you, Craig,” Nathaniel said, feeling the need to establish that and more importantly, he needed to hear it back from Craig. He needed the courage the validation would give him. 

“I love you too,” Craig said, his eyes looking into Nathaniel’s. Both men smiled before their lips met. Nathaniel was more eager, more desperate to drag this out longer. It was tempting to just take advantage of this moment and move on without having to talk. But when Craig ended the kiss, pulling away from Nathaniel’s lips, he knew that he couldn’t put this off.


	7. Eye of the Storm

Craig laid Nathaniel down on the bed, tenderly. The action made him nostalgic about their romantic times together. Nathaniel moved so that he was sitting up in the bed and watched as Craig got on the bed with him. The two sat there quietly, each waiting for the other to speak. 

Nathaniel felt as though he was at his desk, writing a particularly tough paragraph. He would start out a sentence and immediately erase everything he had written. It would happen again and again, because nothing he could think of felt right. He didn’t know where to start or how to start. He opened his mouth in a failed attempt to try and tell Craig what was bothering him. He never thought of himself as a particularly nervous individual. He had never been tongue tied before. 

It was very hard to tell Craig that he felt insecure with their intimacy. It was hard to admit that he felt useless in this new family dynamic. While Craig waited patiently for Nathaniel to start, the smaller man tried to wait this out. Why couldn’t Craig start? 

“Did you honestly think that I would go through with that list idea of yours? What kind of guy do you think I am?” came out of Nathaniel’s mouth with ease and while it wasn’t the ideal thing he wanted to say, he knew he had to say something. It only delayed the inevitable. 

Craig’s face turned red with embarrassment and he bowed his head, looking down at the comforter beneath them as though it was the most fascinating thing in the world. “I thought…You weren’t speaking to me and I thought that maybe I could…I don’t know…shock you into saying something,” Craig stated, shrugging his shoulders.

“I wasn’t speaking to you?” Nathaniel asked, incredulously, “You weren’t speaking to me.”

Craig looked up from the comforter and stared at Nathaniel with a look of straining impatience. Whether it was with him or with the situation, Nathaniel wasn’t sure. 

“I guess that we both were to blame for that part…” Nathaniel admitted with a sigh. They were both adults. It was not becoming of them to give each other the silent treatment. 

“Though I was thinking that if you were going to fill out that list, it would at least give me some pointers,” Craig said, the look of impatience leaving his face and being replaced with a contemplative look. “I must have done something wrong to make you feel like you didn’t belong here.”

“It’s just…” Nathaniel began again, his words caught in his throat. Somehow saying what he felt would make it real. He didn’t want it to be real. When his thoughts were nestled safely in his mind, he could keep them to himself. If he spoke, it made it real. Like how he all but made Alex’s parents break the news to Amanda. He couldn’t deal with it. He wondered how much damage he inflicted on her due to the fact that he left that crucial information up to people that she only saw twice a year. He could dwell on it for hours. In fact, he had.

He was relieved when Craig spoke again, filling the silence, “I think it was sometime in August…”

Confused why Craig threw out some random date, Nathaniel forgot about what he was dwelling on. “What was in August?”

“You asked when the last time we had sex in a bed was,” Oh…ouch…he did do that. “Briar and Hazel had their first day of school. River was taking a nap. You weren’t happy about something so I tried to cheer you up.”

Now he remembered. Nathaniel thought back to that morning. He had made the plans of making the twins breakfast to only wake up and find Craig had done so instead. Normally that wouldn’t have bothered him, but Nathaniel’s efforts to help in other aspects of that morning were thwarted. He could only hear ‘No thanks, bro, I got it’ so many times before going to his room to pout. A scowl formed on his face and he crossed his arms like he was a petulant child instead of a fully grown man. Craig’s sigh brought him back to reality and he tried to put back on a neutral face. “I remember…It was nice. It was also the last time I had your undivided attention for more than eight minutes. “ 

“That’s funny,” Craig began with a tone that conveyed that he obviously did not think it was truly funny, “See, that’s…that’s funny because I do, Nathaniel. What do you expect me to do? I can’t drop everything and follow you around all day. As much as your ego would love something like that.” His voice was smothered with sarcasm at this point. 

Nathaniel didn’t like this at all. “Craig…” 

Craig huffed before his eyes returned back to the comforter, “I thought you would like a taste of that passive aggressive medicine you’ve been chugging since you woke up this morning. I don’t know why you do it, though. I feel bad after saying that to you. I don’t want to fight.” 

Another silence passed between the two of them as Nathaniel thought about another wicked response to throw back at him. It had obviously worked so well earlier. He kept his mouth shut and his impulses in check. 

Craig didn’t want to argue and neither did Nathaniel. What was so hard about resolving this? Nothing was even wrong when you compared it to all the other terrible things couples went through. Nathaniel did speak and instead of biting venom, his words were sad and nervous, “Do you think Mary and Joseph fight like this?” 

It took a moment for Craig to look up from the comforter and answer, “I think they do….and I think it’s a pretty miserable way to live.” He bit his lower lip in thought before finally saying, his words quick, “This sucks, Nathaniel. Okay. This fucking sucks. You’re my best friend. How many people get to say that they’re partners with their best friend? And I just…I just want us to be like it was before you-“ He stopped himself before he could finish, his fingers moving to twist the comforter’s fabric between his fingers. 

“Before I moved in,” Nathaniel finished for him. Craig was right. This did suck. He was tired of fighting. And nothing he wanted to do was working so far. All he was doing was causing more distress for Craig, his best friend. “That’s when it changed.” At this point, Nathaniel was not trying to be mean or find a way to gain an upper hand in this fight. It was one of the first honest and point blank observations he had given.

Craig nodded, exhaling, “Don’t get me wrong…I like that you’re here. But…I think that I moved too fast. I wasn’t ready. I…Don’t take this the wrong way, bro…” Nathaniel couldn’t be happy about the pet name, because of the words that came before. He braced himself for whatever Craig would tell him. “I’m so happy you’re in my life. You’ve given me some of the greatest times both now and back in college.” He looked at Nathaniel and smiled. “But you’re also a reminder of a pretty terrible time in my life as far as my mindset and how I was treating myself. I could feel myself slipping.” The smile was gone now and Nathaniel moved his hand over to Craig’s. His touch was not rebuffed and Nathaniel took the chance to squeeze Craig’s hand as a prompt for him to go on.

“So for the past few months, I’ve just been trying to put myself on a strict routine. I’ve been trying to keep my mind and hands busy instead of thinking about how nice it would be to knock back a few beers with you and not have to worry about anything,” Craig was started to speak quickly, the anxiety in his voice rising and before Nathaniel could say anything, he continued, “Because I know that I can’t stop at that. And I don’t want everything I love to come crashing down around me because I can’t control myself.”

Nathaniel listened, a wave of emotions overtaking him. Sympathy for the man he loved was at the forefront. He felt as though his heart was trying to pull out of his chest in order to go to Craig to comfort him. Guilt was choking him, preventing him from speaking. How could he ever be so self-centered? Did he really not see what was going on? “I had no idea…” Nathaniel said, “Bro, why didn’t you say something? We could have worked through this…” 

“I didn’t want you to worry. I already put enough on you,” Craig told him as he turned his hand, squeezing Nathaniel’s hand. 

“What have you put on me, dude?” Nathaniel asked with a disbelieving laugh, “I don’t do anything here. You barely let me help out with the mortgage. I’d say that you’re using me for sex but that’s not happening.” 

Craig took the hand away and looked at Nathaniel with a gaze that could only be described as disappointment and frustration, “Did I just never get on your bad side when we were living together? I don’t remember this…this bullshit. I don’t know how Alex could live with that for as long as she did.”

Nathaniel felt his chest tighten and he didn’t care that Craig’s face fell. He didn’t listen as Craig apologized feverishly and he pulled back when Craig tried to take his hands in his. He wanted to scream at Craig to get out. He just wanted to get away from him. In the short seconds that followed, Nathaniel tried to logistically think of how hard it would be to shove some necessities into a duffel bag and get the hell out of this house. 

“Bro, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. Please, I’m so sorry. I won’t bring her up again,” Craig said as he placed a hand on Nathaniel’s cheek and turned his face to look at his. Nathaniel looked at Craig and could see abject terror in Craig’s eyes. He looked like he had broken something priceless and was struggling to pick up the pieces. Thoughts of running away left Nathaniel’s mind and he moved his hand to cover Craig’s.

“Do not bring her up again,” Nathaniel said, struggling to keep his voice even and at an appropriate volume. “I’m sorry for…how I keep doing that…” He said, unable to find the word for what he was doing. 

“Maybe…” Craig began, his eyes looking into Nathaniel’s, “We need ground rules….Like what we had for our place in college but with us talking.” Nathaniel thought back to the paper that they had written together when they started being roommates. He couldn’t remember it verbatim, but he did recall ‘clean up your own shit’ and alternating weeks to buy alcohol among the rules. 

“Okay…sounds good,” Nathaniel said, another exhausted sigh leaving his mouth, “I guess first off for me…Not doing that thing I do.”

“Deflecting,” Craig answered for him. “It’s easier to get mad at me than it is to admit what you’re feeling.”

There was an overwhelming amount of surprise that Craig was able to articulate so simply what was going on with Nathaniel. He knew Nathaniel better than he knew himself. There was a strange comfort in that knowledge. “Yes…that…”

“And we don’t bring up Smashley or Alex. They don’t have anything to do with this,” Craig said. Nathaniel nodded, having no problem with this. It would save a lot of grief.

“Sounds good…”

Nathaniel sat there as he tried to think about the best way to bring up his first area of concern. He thought about the last time they had sex. It was yesterday morning when Craig got back from his morning run. Mouths collided with each other as Craig pinned him against the shower wall. Normally, Nathaniel would be involved with Craig, enjoying each moment. Instead of admiring Craig’s slick and hard body, Nathaniel could only think about the differences between them. He was lanky, undefined. Craig always looked better than him. 

What did Craig see in him? Nathaniel wasn’t outgoing and hated every moment that he was forced to go out in public and speak to people. He wasn’t Craig’s physical match. Without Amanda around to keep him in check, Nathaniel all but made his life about him now. The thirsty moms at the twins’ games were absolutely no competition for Craig’s affections but Nathaniel still glowered and bitched for a solid hour after they left. What could Craig possibly want with him when he could have anyone in the world? Nathaniel might could get away with having awful looks or an awful personality. He couldn’t have both and hope to have anything long term with Craig. 

He was lucky to have Alex. You don’t get second chances, especially if you don’t deserve it. 

It was in that moment that the words came to him. “I’m scared you’re going to leave me…” Nathaniel admitted, choking out his deepest insecurity. Tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn’t stop himself from crying. He was too tired. He placed his hands over his eyes in an effort to ground himself. It wasn’t long after that when he felt a pair of strong arms around. A hand found its way into his hair and Nathaniel preened at the touch like an attention starved cat. 

Nathaniel could only hope that he didn’t ruin the chance that he should not have gotten in the first place.


	8. Security Blanket

Nathaniel didn’t know how long he sat there on the bed in Craig’s arms. He had started to grab Craig’s shirt and he realized that he was getting his shirt wet with tears. In this moment, he didn’t care how he looked or what this moment of vulnerability meant. He didn’t have the energy. The sobbing soon turned into sniffles and soft gasps for air. Craig was moving his hand up and down Nathaniel’s back, staying strong as Nathaniel crumbled into little bits of himself. 

Finally, Nathaniel pulled back, wiping his eyes of the remaining tears. The skin around his eyes felt raw and was probably red. He didn’t think that the admission would take as much out of him as it did. If he wasn’t drained before, he was now. 

“Hey, you okay?” Craig asked, moving his hand to Nathaniel’s chin and moving his face up so their eyes could lock. Nathaniel nodded, feeling as though he could now speak without crying. “I’m not going to leave you. We’re having a fight. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to toss away what we have,” Craig told him. His words should have made Nathaniel feel better, but they didn’t.

“You should leave,” Nathaniel whispered, “I need you a lot more than you need me. I’m not…This trouble I’m putting you through isn’t worth it.” He didn’t want to continue putting Craig through this. “I can’t be what you want me to be…” His eyes left Craig’s gaze, the second admission hitting him hard. 

Craig’s thumb ran along Nathaniel’s jawline and he preened into the touch. “What do you think I want you to be?”

Nathaniel’s first reaction was anger. Was Craig really going to make him spell it out for him? But then, a second thought crossed his mind. Maybe Craig just wanted to know what was going on. He needed to know the truth. “More like you…aesthetically anyway. And someone you want to be around. Kinder, better,” Nathaniel said, his eyes moving so he could look to see Craig’s reaction. Craig was looking at him with a mixture of sadness and confusion. “I mean,” Nathaniel continued, after a beat so he could fill the silence, “I could put in more than a half assed effort into going to the gym and all that. But I don’t know if I can change who I am…I know that…” He raised his hand and went to rub the back of his neck, “Look, I know that I’m kind of an asshole. But you know that I’m not that way with Amanda and I wouldn’t be that way with your girls. I don’t know if that’s enough for you…Shit, it probably isn’t.”

“Nathaniel, stop.” Craig raised his hand and placed it on Nathaniel’s shoulder. His mouth closed and he realized how close he had been to fully rambling. Craig’s eyes softened and he told him, “No one is that special that you should change yourself for them, especially me.” He frowned and he looked down, his jaw tightening, “And you’ve been feeling this way the entire time and I didn’t know. I didn’t see it…I thought I was making things easier for you.”

“What do you mean by that?” Nathaniel asked. 

“Two things…” Craig said and it looked like this time that he was the one struggling to find the right words. “First thing…I didn’t think…Between that time you moved in and that time in August, you didn’t seem like you really wanted to have sex. You wouldn’t let me touch you. So I figured I would let you come to me…When you would join me in the shower…I didn’t know what about that setting made you comfortable, but I took what I could have.”

Nathaniel struggled to think back to their intimacy before he moved in and compared it to when he did. What was different? What did he do? All he could think about was that he was seeing Craig more. He had more time to study each contour of his body. He had more time to think about the difference between the two men. He had more time to feel guilty as he watched Craig get dressed for a run or to go to the gym. Craig touching him didn’t feel comfortable anymore. He was hyperaware of when Craig placed his fingers on his stomach, his hips. Not fat, but soft. He discouraged such touches, pushing Craig away.

Craig did want him. Nathaniel had put himself in this situation. 

“Second thing,” Craig sighed after Nathaniel didn’t say anything, “Look…I remember when you and Alex had Amanda. You guys said that you were going to have one child so you would make sure that you would be able to give Amanda everything. You only had to go through midnight feedings once, toddler years once, annoying teenage rebellion phase once. You didn’t want another kid. You’re done raising Amanda. I have two young girls and a baby. You don’t want to start over. And I get that.”

“Craig,” Nathaniel stopped him, unable to keep himself quiet for another moment. He took the pause in the conversation to think for a second. It was true. He and Alex had Amanda with the intentions of giving her everything. They made sure they would be able to devote all of their time and energy into her. They had their happy, healthy baby. How could they make sure she had everything if they had to worry about another child? “Alex and I made that decision as a couple. We also made that decision nineteen years ago. A lot has changed since then,” Nathaniel stated, “It’s not that I don’t want more kids. I love Hazel, Briar and River. I want to help you take care of them.” 

He thought over the countless hours that he spent going to the twins’ games, holding River. He cherished those times because it was the only time that Craig would let him take any of the burden off Craig’s shoulders. Nathaniel “Craig, you know me. You know that I don’t do anything I don’t want to do,” Nathaniel said with a short laugh, “I wouldn’t be out there at the twins’ softball games if I didn’t want to be there.” 

To be honest, Nathaniel had the crutch of drinking wine he snuck into the games. He could bitch with whatever softball mom that he happen to dislike the least. Hot, miserable and tipsy, Nathaniel enjoyed subtly insulting thirsty moms and their offspring. But still, Nathaniel was there. He should get credit for that. And he did get pretty excited when the girls did catch a ball or was able to hit it far from any player.

There was another moment of quiet between the two and Nathaniel used that time to move his hand over Craig’s thigh, moving down to his knee. “I do like having sex, especially with you. I….You don’t know what it’s like to have sex with someone who is not even in your same league. Like I don’t even think that we’re playing the same sport,” Nathaniel said with another nervous chuckle leaving his body.

“Bro,” Craig began, placing his hand on Nathaniel’s and squeezing the top, “Don’t you know how gorgeous you are?” 

Nathaniel blushed at the compliment, feeling much like a teenager with the way that he was so taken with the praise. “Well…I might be above average…depending on who you compare me to. But you’re…like a Greek god. Adonis or something like that. It’s hard to look past your own flaws when your bed partner has none.”

Craig looked like he was thinking. Nathaniel waited patiently for him to respond. His fingers began to trace along Craig’s skin, playing with the raised vein along the back hand. “Would it surprise you,” Craig started off, “That I think the same thing about you?” 

Once more, Nathaniel felt the need to snap back at Craig. He had already opened himself up for Craig when he even admitted that he was self-conscious. “I don’t need you to patronize me. If you don’t mind touching me, that’s okay. You have to know that I have flaws. I’m not perfect and you saying that I am is nice. Not true, but nice. But don’t you say that you think that I’m perfect while you have problems.” He could have said worse, but he wasn’t proud with what he said. 

If Craig even wanted to take Nathaniel’s bait, he didn’t show it. He only let out a sigh with a smile on his face, “So it would be a surprise…” He placed a hand on the side of Nathaniel’s waist. “It’s not a physical thing, bro. It’s mental bullshit. And you don’t have that. Before you moved in, you were so confident. Lights on, taking pictures, taking power…” Craig listed off, “So when you wouldn’t let me touch you…I thought that you didn’t want me. Is that a surprise?” 

Nathaniel stared at Craig with the same blankness that he did when he had to sit through organic chemistry. What Craig was telling him, it just didn’t make sense to him. “Aren’t you confidant? How couldn’t you be confident?” He looked Craig over, as though he was going to find out what he was missing when he took in Craig’s body. “You’re sex on legs and your muscles are crazy,” He continued, placing his hands on Craig’s arms, moving along his biceps. 

Craig typically lit up when Nathaniel praised him, but all he could muster was a small smile, “See….that’s the thing…I know that I’m good looking. That’s not the issue.” He took in a deep breath before running his fingers through his hair. He looked away from Nathaniel and told him, “If I lose that, I have nothing to bring to the table.” Something in his throat was caught and he swallowed. There was a fearful look in his eyes as though he was going to bolt at any moment. That was why Nathaniel squeezed Craig’s arms, as though that motion would keep him grounded. 

“You’re sexy because you’re self-assured. You make me feel good and you know it. That’s so attractive. You have the most intense eyes. You usually look like you’re bored or that you’re judging everyone around you,” Another small smile appeared on Craig’s lips and he continued, “They only come out or show emotion when you’re focused and excited. I get to see that when we’re together. And you’re so experienced…” Craig must have seen the way Nathaniel narrowed his eyes and he quickly covered it up, “I mean that in a good way. I mean that you know what you’re doing in bed. You’re my first serious male partner…I hope to be my first and last, honestly…and I know I’m fumbling, but you make me forget about that.” 

Nathaniel realized his hands were still on Craig’s arms and he slowly let go. He struggled to keep his thoughts in line as he took in the information. He couldn’t believe that Craig had been struggling with this as well. Was he that shallow? Was he that selfish? 

“No matter what you look like,” Craig murmured, “You’re still going to have that. How I look can go away…And that’s another reason why I’ve been working so hard lately.” The sadness emanating from Craig pulled at Nathaniel’s heart strings. He wanted to do nothing except make that feeling go away. He thought that he was doing the right thing when he praised Craig. It was another incorrect assumption he made.

“Craig,” Nathaniel began, placing his hand on his cheek. He looked into his eyes and could see the rampant uncertainty. He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to assure him that he loved him and that he would be attractive to him no matter what. There needed to be an apology for not realizing the pain his lover was feeling. For all that experience and intellect, he was blind to the sight in front of him. 

But he didn’t. Instead, he kissed Craig. He was disappointed at first when Craig pulled back when the kiss began. “I’m so-“ He was cut off when Craig grabbed his shirt and pulled him back in for the kiss.

With all the bombshells they were dropping on each other, they felt like they were being in a war zone. They didn’t want to talk anymore. Or…maybe it was just Nathaniel that didn’t want to continue this conversation. They had been going at this for hours. How could anyone do this more than once? And Craig had looked so unhappy. Nathaniel just wanted to make him feel better. The kiss deepened and Nathaniel draped his arms around Craig’s neck. 

“Nathaniel, we…we should stop,” Craig said as he continued to kiss him. But he didn’t stop. 

They were both men losing themselves to swarming emotions and suffocating self-doubt. Lust wasn’t driving this. It was an even baser desire. The need for security was driving the two of them together. Their kisses, their touches, it was all validation that they desperately craved. They could end it there with that kiss. 

But they didn’t. 

Nathaniel moved so that he could straddle Craig’s lap. His leg protested at the movement and the pressure being forced on his shin, but he found that he didn’t mind the pain. The sensation grounded him. Nathaniel removed his arms from the embrace only to raise them up so Craig could take off his shirt. Craig clung to him, holding him so tight that Nathaniel had to gasp to breathe. He ran his fingers through his hair, playing with the different lengths of his hair. “I love you…I love you...” Craig repeated as he placed his lips along Nathaniel’s bare shoulder.

“I love you…” Nathaniel moaned as the cool air collided with his skin contrasted with the warmth of Craig’s body against his. This was what Nathaniel wanted. He wanted this intimacy without being bombarded with hot water or heavily conscious of how long it would take. He should be happy. And there was joy as Craig laid him down on his back and crawled between his legs. 

There was still a sinking blackness in the pit of his stomach. This wasn’t done yet. They were nowhere near done. They were looking for security and a distraction. And that was made the act between them not as special as what Nathaniel would like. But such thoughts slid out of his mind when Craig began to kiss him again. 

***

Afterwards, Nathaniel found himself in the daze that sex brought on. He was ready for a nap with the most darling man in the world. Sleepy and muddled, Nathaniel rolled over to place his head on Craig’s chest. “You make a sucky pillow…” Nathaniel mumbled incoherently. Craig let out a snort and stroked Nathaniel’s cheek. Their quiet moment was cut short when Nathaniel heard two quick vibrations coming from Craig’s wrist. An alert. 

“Babe, I got to go…” Craig announced softly as he gently pushed Nathaniel off his chest. Nathaniel let out a displeased huff as he found himself on his back once more. “I need to go pick up the girls…”

“Can’t you be like half an hour late? I’m sure Smashley wouldn’t mind it,” Nathaniel pointed out, watching as Craig sat up in the bed. He grabbed Craig’s arm as though the motion would guarantee that Craig would stay with him.

“I have to go,” Craig insisted with a twist of a smile on his face. He leaned down and kissed Nathaniel’s lips, “How about this? Tonight, when everyone’s asleep, we can catch up?”

“What about work?” Nathaniel asked, almost hesitant to hope that Craig would actually come to bed after he made sure the girls were asleep. That never happened. Craig always went to his office to work, even on the weekends. How a man his age could stay awake and coherent so long was beyond Nathaniel. 

“No work. I promise,” Craig grinned before stealing another kiss. “I have some things to do in the office, but it shouldn’t take too long.”

The sight of Craig’s smile made Nathaniel’s heart flutter and he finally let go of his arm. He watched, his eyes drooping, as Craig collected his clothe. He struggled to stay awake and let out a sleepy yawn as Craig went into the bathroom to take another shower. The last thing he remembered seeing was a newly clothed Craig collecting the forgotten breakfast dishes that Nathaniel had left on the bedside table.


	9. Shaky Ground

Nathaniel had been asleep for a little over two hours. He was in that groggy ‘where am I and why am I so goddamn thirsty’ mood following a nap. He registered that he was in bed and he nuzzled under the sheets. He heard the sounds of Briar and Hazel running up and down the hallway. The cool weather had limited the twins’ outdoor activities, but did little for their energy. 

Tempted to see how much longer he could get away with sleeping, Nathaniel rolled over in his bed only to see that his phone on the end table was lighting up with notifications. Curiosity got the better of him and he went to pick up his phone. It was the group chat.

Nathaniel had managed to endear himself to Mary when he offered her a swig of his bottled wine during the church bake sale. With that, came the friendship of association with Robert. The three regularly went out drinking on weekends. It was a time for the three of them to relax in a stupor with either Mary or Nathaniel complaining about their partners. Robert, as always, would look at them less than amused spirits as he tried to steer the conversation elsewhere. 

He didn’t read all the texts in the group chat, but as he skimmed through them he had gotten the consensus. Getting wasted at Jim and Kim’s. 

‘Raincheck,’ Nathaniel wrote out, ‘Craig and I are going to spend some time together.’

‘Gross,’ Mary replied with the appropriate emoji. ‘Blow him off. You’ve been at home all day. You need to get out of the house.’

Nathaniel sighed before typing back to Mary, ‘We haven’t been doing well. We need this time.’

Robert finally chimed in aptly, ‘They’re trying to fuck, Mary. Leave them alone.’

An uncharacteristic snort came out of Nathaniel, ‘We already did that today.’

‘I did not need that image in my head,’ Mary responded.

‘I did,’ Robert remarked, making Nathaniel chuckle. He then sent another message, ‘Good on you though for working that shit out.’ The odd sentimentality made Nathaniel smile. 

‘You two have a good night. Keep it sleazy,’ He wrote back, knowing that they were doing fine before him and they would be fine tonight. As much as he would love to go out, he knew that nights with Craig were rare. And after this morning, he needed to be with him.

The second shower of the day left Nathaniel feeling clean and in better spirits. When he walked out of the bedroom, he was instantly bombarded by the twins. 

“Hey Nathaniel!”

“We heard you got a stress fracture. Rookie move, bro.”

He couldn’t help but laugh at the two young girls. “Hey, at least I was out there running. What were you two doing at six in the morning?” 

“Yoga with Mom,” Hazel immediately answered. Ouch. Well that was something. If Nathaniel ever wanted to break his neck, he would definitely try it out. Until then, he was fine with keeping his body as inflexible as possible. 

“Mom’s gotten into yoga because she’s dating some lady that teaches it at her gym,” Briar followed up with a knowing smirk. 

So Smashley plays for both teams. Well, game usually recognizes game, but that was news to him. Nathaniel had to file this information for later purposes, especially if he was going to officially meet her again soon. “Really?” Nathaniel quizzed, wondering what else he would find out with prodding, “Have you met her?” 

“Yeah, she’s cool. Cooler than you. She has an Instagram,” Briar said, raising an eyebrow as she looked Nathaniel right in his eyes. 

“Hey!” Nathaniel raised his hands with a playful smile on his face, 

Briar and Hazel looked at each other and appeared to be in thought. “It was kind of cool when you threatened to punch Elle’s mom…” Briar started and then pretended to think , “Gosh, Hazel, what did he say?”

Nathaniel remembered this incident quite well and the smile on his face soon fell when he realized that the girls must have overheard him. They were in the dugout. It would make sense. That meant that the twins and at least six other girls heard him say…

Hazel twisted her face into a contorted scowl and placed her hands on his hips. She made her voice deep in an effort to imitate Nathaniel, “Becky, I swear to God, if you don’t stop commenting on my boyfriend’s ass, I’m going to climb up these blenchers and punch you in the tit.” 

It was hot and Nathaniel had started drinking out of his wine bottle more for thirst to actually drink. Consequently, he was more than tipsy and his disinhibitions had gotten the better of him. “Ah….I’m sorry you guys had to hear that…” He apologized, rubbing the back of his head. He could never keep his thoughts inside when he was drinking.

“Bro, it was kind of epic,” Briar commented with a sly smirk, “Elle’s mom has been thirsting on our dad forever.” That was true. Becky had been one of the more bold and flirtatious out of all the moms. Nathaniel despised her. It was so obvious that she was just ignoring the fact that Craig was not interested. If Craig was going to go against his biological impulses, it wasn’t going to be for some middle age, shallow witch. 

“Does your dad know?” Nathaniel asked, knowing that while he was not actively trying to hide his poor choice of hydration, he didn’t want to shout it from the rooftops either.

“Do I know what?” Craig had rounded the corner and Nathaniel could hardly come up with a blatant lie before he saw the bundle of joy in Craig’s arms. 

River must have recently gotten up from a nap as well. She was yawning and rubbing her sleepy eyes with a closed fist. Once her gaze met on Nathaniel, she let out a squeal. “Bwo!” Her arms reached out to him and she squirmed in an effort to get out of Craig’s hold.

The first time that she had said her first word, Nathaniel thought that Craig was going to die from excitement. When he realized that she had accompanied the tiny ‘bwo’ with her gaze on him, Nathaniel thought he was going to pass out. It was then that he began to hope that he had a permanent place in Craig’s life. If this tiny child looked at him and it was enough to propel her into speaking, then it had to be a sign of something.

“Come here, you,” Nathaniel grinned as he walked over to Craig and promptly took River out of his arms. He peppered River with kisses, her giggling music to his ears. He then looked up at Craig and felt the tender peace pact between them start to sway with the remnants of tension. “How’s Smashley?” Nathaniel asked, wondering if he could avoid continuing the conversation regarding his softball antics. 

“She’s good. I told her about your stress fracture. She says that she hopes you feel better,” Craig said, indicating Nathaniel’s leg. He then smiled before chuckling, “She also said that it doesn’t give you an excuse to skip arm day though.” 

“This right here is my arm day,” Nathaniel protested as he lifted River high in the air, her laughing putting him at ease once more. “Many pounds of adorableness versus many pounds of metal is an easy choice.” 

Craig’s smile didn’t quite meet his eyes anymore and he glanced over at the twins. “Girls, why don’t you play with River for a bit? I have to talk to Nathaniel about something.”

Nathaniel slowly brought River down from her high position, his own smile fading. He handed River to Hazel. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the girls look at each other.

“Go easy on him, Dad,” Briar said in her attempt to cut the tension out of the room, “He is the reason that Elle’s mom isn’t bothering you anymore.”

Puzzled, Craig looked at Nathaniel for answers.

Embarrassed, but thankful anyway, after Briar’s attempt to help, Nathaniel started, “I…”

“He had a super respectful talk with her about how you had a boyfriend and she needed to respect other people’s boundaries,” Hazel finished as she adjusted River in her arms. She moved her hair out of River’s curious, grasping hands as she stared at Nathaniel with an ‘you owe me, dude’ look in her eyes. 

“Yeah…” Nathaniel agreed, looking at Hazel with a look that he hoped would convey gratitude and the promise of ice cream with toppings

“Dude, I was wondering why she finally left me alone,” Craig stated with a grin, “That was you? Thanks for that. She’s nice enough, but she can be a bit much.” Craig was too kind for his own good. He never directly rejected any of the mothers and always had positive things to say about the harpies. 

The twins walked away with River finding a lock of hair of Hazel’s to attempt to chew. Nathaniel held back a laugh before he turned to look at Craig. Without the children, the uneasiness returned and Nathaniel suddenly looked away from Craig. He crossed his arms and waited for the other man to speak.

“I told Smashley that we’re not in a good place.”

The first feeling to hit him was violation. Nathaniel was by no means a closed book, but he did not want his relationship’s dirty laundry aired out. Especially if it was going to be shared with an ex. “Why would you do that?” Nathaniel demanded, hoping that he sounded forceful. Instead, he could hear how weak and hurt he sounded. He hated it. He tried again, “I get that you don’t hate each other and that’s great for parenting, but why did you have to tell her that we’re not doing well?”

Craig took a deep breath, as though he was easing his emotions before he responded. The action further irritated Nathaniel. He wasn’t a child that needed to be reasoned with. “I told her what happened because I needed information. I needed the contact information for the counselor that we went to when we were having trouble. So I had to tell her why I needed to know,” Craig explained.

Nathaniel could not have been more shocked if he had been thrown into a pool of freezing water. Things surely were not completely solved, but he thought that things were better off than before. They talked. It was exhausting. They had sex. Wasn’t it all done now? Couldn’t they do it on their own? “Bro,” Nathaniel started, letting out what he hoped was a careless laugh. It sounded more jarring to him when he heard it, “We’re good. We don’t need to see anyone. Besides…why would you want to go see someone that couldn’t help you with Smashley?” That was what was confusing him. If he wanted them to see a therapist, fine. But why did he want to go back to someone that didn’t help their marriage?

“He did help us,” Craig insisted, much to Nathaniel’s disbelief. He sighed before explaining, “The therapist was the one who suggested a divorce. He said that we were amazing friends and parents, but we were going to be miserable for the rest of our lives if we stayed together…And he was right…And now I get to be with you…To be honest, bro, you owe the guy a favor.”

Craig’s logic was flawed and perfect in its own way. Nathaniel wouldn’t admit that it sounded correct. He shifted in his stance, putting more weight on his uninjured leg. “I really don’t want to talk to a stranger about our personal life,” he rebutted, his eyes now moving to the hallway flooring. “I’ve already seen someone after Alex.” He didn’t want to talk about it. He never mentioned it to anyone. 

“Bro…You never told me that,” Craig said softly as he placed his hand on Nathaniel’s shoulder, “How…How did that go?” He asked, inquisitively.

“Badly,” Nathaniel smirked with a mirthless chuckle, “She…uh…said I wasn’t dealing with it and I wasn’t going to be able to move forward unless I…accepted what happened.” It was easy to lie by omission, easy to just refer to Alex’s death. It was harder, so much harder, to admit that he had lied to everyone, even Amanda, and say that he wasn’t in the car. Alex’s parents knew and the doctors knew. Because if he told people he was in the car, he would have to explain that a wonderful, kind hearted woman was dead and a mean bastard lived with only cuts and bruises as evidence. “So, I left and never went back. And look at me now. I’m fine.” He laughed again, this time more forced and nervous. It was as if he knew the contradiction of his words, “I dealt with it in my own way.” 

Craig looked like he wanted to ask. He kept looking at Nathaniel as though he wanted to say something. Quietly lashing out, Nathaniel gave him a subtle glare. He didn’t realize that he had done it until Craig flinched back. “I’m sorry…” Nathaniel apologized, feeling that he had done far too much of that today.

“You know, Nathaniel…” Craig began, taking his hand off his shoulder, “I…” He stopped himself and shook his head. “It’s just something to think about. I’m not going to force you to go.”

Feeling guilty, Nathaniel’s gaze softened even more, “No…I get it…We just don’t need it. We can work this out on our own. We’re talking to each other.” Craig still looked unsure and Nathaniel moved to try to end that look. He wrapped his arms around Craig’s waist and pulled him in for a kiss. Craig eagerly returned the kiss and Nathaniel could feel his fingers in his hair. 

“We’re gonna be alright,” Nathaniel repeated Craig’s words back to him.

***

It was almost eight in the evening when Nathaniel received another text from the group chat. He was reinvited for a night of debauchery, but Nathaniel declined once more. He had spent the rest of his Saturday in bed and typing on his laptop. He had spent hours typing and retyping a scene, his mind constantly drifting elsewhere. He picked up on every distraction that came his way. Craig had made him lunch that consisted of a kale salad and a strawberry smoothie. When Briar passed by his bedroom later, he attempted to bribe her to run over to the Coffee Spoon and pick up a loaf of banana bread and a Frappuccino. Briar indicated that she and Hazel had helped him out enough today and she was not interested in the bribe that consisted of ‘you can keep the change’. Nathaniel didn’t come down for dinner when he finally got his inspiration flowing. 

Now he was distracted by the sound of Craig putting River to bed and the girls settling downstairs to watch a movie. Nathaniel saved his document and closed his laptop, eagerly waiting for Craig to come into the bedroom. After several minutes of waiting, Nathaniel listened closely to the sounds coming from the hallway. He finally heard the sound of River’s bedroom door closing softly. Craig was walking down the hallway and instead of stopping by the bedroom door, he continued to his office. 

Nathaniel raised his eyebrow before getting out of the bed and quickly making his way to the office as well. He walked in without knocking only to find Craig turning on his computer and putting his headset on. The men locked eyes and a look of guilt immediately flashed through Craig’s face. 

“I have to talk to one of my suppliers in California. No more than twenty minutes, I promise,” He assured Nathaniel. 

“Twenty minutes?” Nathaniel repeated, raising an eyebrow. He was already prepared to give Craig an extension on that time. It was never ‘twenty minutes’. 

“I promise,” Craig stated, almost shooing Nathaniel away with his voice. He kept his eyes on the computer and the conversation was done. 

Nathaniel sighed before making his way back to the bedroom. He got back on the bed and pulled out his phone. It was easy to check out mentally and go through the daze of cycling through apps. Minutes ticked by one after the other. He gave Craig twenty minutes. Then another ten, like Nathaniel originally planned. Then for good measure, he waited patiently for an hour. 

He didn’t go to the office. There was no point. When did that ever work for him? The long nap and lack of activity throughout the day guaranteed that Nathaniel was wide awake at nine o’clock at night. His thumb lingered over his messaging app before finally pressing down. 

‘Are you guys still at the bar?’ He texted to Mary and Robert. Maybe he could go out for a bit to get a drink. He knew Craig was going to sleep soon even if he left his office right this moment. He was going to the gym in the morning. 

‘Yeah.

What’s up?

You coming?’ Robert messaged him within a minute of Nathaniel sending the message.

‘Be there in ten,’ Nathaniel texted him back before getting off the bed. He went into the walk in closet and quickly got dressed in his typical black jeans with an accompanying purple shirt and a white hoodie. It was probably still forty degrees outside. 

Feeling as though he was in an impulsive daze, Nathaniel left the bedroom and went to the office. He opened the door and saw that Craig was still talking to whoever the hell was more interesting than Nathaniel at nine o’clock at night. Craig looked up from his computer and stopped talking when he saw what Nathaniel was wearing. He opened his mouth to speak, but Nathaniel quickly interrupted him. “I’m going out,” He announced. 

He wanted Craig to tell him to stop. He wanted Craig to lie if he had to. He wanted him to say ‘five more minutes, I promise’ or whatever bullshit. Nathaniel would take it.

But Craig didn’t. Instead, he covered the microphone of his headset with his hand and asked him, “How long are you going to be out?”

Nathaniel let out an annoyed scoff. He saw a chance and he took it, “Twenty minutes…I promise,” He left the office, part of him expecting Craig to follow after him. He walked down the hallway, hoping that Craig would at least stop him before he hit the staircase. But he didn’t. 

The walk downstairs was far less strenuous than the walk upstairs. His eyes were on the door and he was almost excited to at least get out of the house. As he approached the landing, he heard the sound of the movie playing in the living room. Nathaniel paused. He should say goodnight to the twins. 

He walked into the living room and couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the girls asleep on the couch. Hazel was lying sideways on the couch and Briar was all but on top of her sister. Nathaniel quietly walked by the couch so he could turn the television off. He looked around and found a blanket resting on one of the ottomans. He picked it up and unfolded it before gently laying it on the girls, making sure they were covered. As he tucked them in, Briar stirred in her sleep. 

It had been years since Nathaniel was able to do the same for Amanda. The simple act brought out a true smile on his face and genuine joy in his heart. Alex did have a point when she suggested only having one child. They only had to go through the bad phases once. But the trade in was that they only had the good phases once. Nathaniel had the joy of experiencing these younger years again. He tucked a lock of hair behind Briar’s ear and froze when he heard her sleepy voice.

“Night, bro…” Briar murmured as she nuzzled herself beneath the blanket. 

“Good night, sweetheart,” Nathaniel returned as he straightened up. He tried to ignore the tightness in his voice and the stinging in his eyes. The way that Briar said that word made Nathaniel realize something that he was too blind to realize before.

‘Bro’ wasn’t their casual nickname for Nathaniel any more than it was Craig’s. They didn’t call any of the other dads ‘Bro’. And it was more than it was their familiarity with Nathaniel. If ‘Bro’ was Craig’s synonym for a pet name, could it be possible that ‘Bro’ was the girls’ word for…

His thoughts were interrupted when his phone vibrated. Nathaniel pulled it out to see a message from Mary.

‘Ordered you a bottle, nerd. Get here before we finish it.’

He looked from his phone to the stairs and back to the door. Nathaniel could just spend some time with his friends and have one drink. Then he could come back home and regroup. 

Regroup and apologize.

‘Don’t you dare, Mary. I’ll be right there.’


	10. Last Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics indicate flashback

To be honest, Nathaniel did not remember too much after he left the house. He remembered walking into the bar and sliding into a booth occupied by Mary and Robert. He remembered bitching about his day as he poured himself a glass of the wine bottle Mary ordered for the table. Flashes of light clouded him. There were flashes of red, yellow and brown. He remembered thinking that he should slow down. He had not had truly anything to eat all day. The bottle’s empty and someone suggests shots. His throat is burning.

Nathaniel makes a joke. He thinks he’s funny. Robert glares at him over the rim of his beer. Mary looks at him as though she would kill him if he could. There’s an awkward silence. Nathaniel takes another shot to fill the empty space between the three. 

At some point, he made a bet with Mary over something. He remembered smirking and giggling as he touched his own heated cheeks. She’s laughing as well. Nathaniel is happy that the tension was not permanent. The two had slid out of the booth. Nathaniel had glanced over and for some reason Robert was looking at him with concern as he knocked back a shot glass of something. 

He had lost his place in his own life for a while. The next memory he had was skin that wasn’t his under his fingers and his lips against something warm and pliable.

Then there was a sudden pain around his arm as he was yanked away from the sensation. It was then that Nathaniel remembered what he asked verbatim to the person that had grabbed him, “What are you doing?”

“Doing what I wished someone had done for me and stopping you from making a huge fucking mistake.” It was Robert. He and Mary conversed for a moment. Nathaniel was struggling to stand straight. He must have been leaning on Robert at this point. 

The next thing he remembered was that he was throwing up. Nathaniel was retching out the small amount of food he had eaten into what he thought were hedges. The shock ran through his body and he suddenly felt a searing pain in his leg. Where did that come from?

After he was finished, Nathaniel stood up and took a few steps forward. “Are you okay?” Robert asked. Nathaniel wasn’t quite sure why he was there with him. Maybe they were walking back to the cul-de-sac together. He responded, but he didn’t remember what he said.

A sudden seizing jolt ran through Nathaniel’s leg. He’s suddenly on the ground. He suddenly felt a stinging pain that went through his face, in the palms of his hands and the knees of his legs. “For fuck’s sake,” Robert had muttered. 

Nathaniel was being picked up. When was he on the ground? He was slung over Robert’s shoulder and in Nathaniel’s perspective, this position was just as comfortable as a king sized down bed. He didn’t remember anything until he heard the sound of someone pounding on a door.

Robert was speaking with someone. As Nathaniel returned back to the world of consciousness for a moment, he realized who Robert was talking to.

“Thank you for bringing him home, bro. I owe you one.” 

Nathaniel was handed off and he heard the sound of the door closing. He didn’t remember too much after that. Flashes of light, darkness. There’s something stinging on his face and skin. He winces. Craig scolds him and Nathaniel stays still because he’s asked to. Nothing, nothing. And then Nathaniel is the one to grab onto someone’s arm. “Don’t leave. Please stay here.” There’s a body in bed with him and Nathaniel clings to it. 

***

When Nathaniel woke up with a clear mind, he became suddenly very aware of the pounding in his head and the stinging feeling on his cheek. He opened his eyes and the rays of light coming from the slits in the blinds are enough to make him screw his eyes shut. He buried his head into his pillow and tried to convince himself to go back to sleep. 

Nathaniel felt as though he could take a sledgehammer to his brain if it meant that he could stop the headache. Unable to fall back asleep, he woke up and was temporarily blinded by the light once more. Once he collected himself, he realized that there were two unusual things on his end table. Beside the current book he was reading was a tall glass of pond scum colored liquid and a note. Nathaniel first picked up the note and read it.

_Morning, bro_

_You weren’t up by the time we had to leave for church. You looked like you needed to sleep in. Drink the smoothie I made for you. I hope it’ll help make you feel better. You might want to change your bandages when you shower._

Bandages?

It was then that Nathaniel realized that there was gotten gauze taped to his cheek. His legs were sore and so were his wrists. He looked down at his wrists and took note of the deep red bruises on his wrists and the bandages on his palms. Did he fall? He must have.

Nathaniel lied there in bed, the half read note still in his hand. He was staring up at the ceiling as he struggled to come to terms that he had drank so much last night that he had thrown up, fallen and lost chunks of memory. He didn’t even accomplish that in college. “That’s not good,” He whispered to himself as he tried to think about how he could spin this in his favor. He couldn’t. He finished reading the note.

_Life is short, bro. I would rather we not spend any more time with me avoiding you or you drinking or you jumping on the defense every time someone says something to you that you don’t like. You’re going to be angry with me, but I called the therapist’s office and left a message to set up for an appointment. I don’t want to hear about how I should have asked you first. You shouldn’t have gotten so drunk you had Robert carrying you home at midnight._

_We’ll be home after church. Maybe you’ll have enough time to calm down._

_Love,_

_Craig_

The note crumpled in Nathaniel’s tight fist and he made himself take a deep breath. Letting his emotions and impulses take over him now wasn’t going to help anyone. As much as he would love to get on his phone and leave Craig a scathing voicemail, he knew that it would not solve a thing. That didn’t stop him from picking up his phone from the end table. He ignored the notifications and quickly called Craig. His phone was off, something that he expected. Nathaniel was utterly prepared to tell Craig exactly what he thought about him going behind his back.

But he didn’t.

“Hey…” Nathaniel started, the guilt in his chest threatening to overtake him. What was wrong with him? “I…I’m really sorry about last night. I…I guess we may be even for when you’d come back to our dorm room drunk and I’d take care of you…” He laughed, anxiously, and winced as the words hit his ears. That was not what he wanted to say. “We can talk when you come home, but I just wanted to say….” What did he want to say? He swallowed and struggled to put his words together into a coherent sentence, “I love you. And I hate what I’m doing to you.” It was that verbalization that made a strong wave of emotions hit him. 

_He’s laughing. It wasn’t a real laugh. It was that flirty laugh Nathaniel creatively crafted when faced with an unfunny joke. It’s the ‘I want to get in your pants’ laugh that worked on men and women alike. Nathaniel had almost forgotten how to do it. He was with Craig, why would he ever need to do it? He touches a hand and starts to speak._

_What happened?_

“I’ll do it…I’ll go…Just…” His voice was caught in his throat. He couldn’t get his own laugh out of his head. What did he do? “I’ll do anything to make us work. I want to us to be together. I know that…” He was rambling and he hated himself for that. He had always tried to be as collected as possible. He wasn’t like this outside of his personal relationship. “I know that we haven’t talked about this and this is probably the worst time to bring this up…but…” He swallowed again as the thought crossed his mind, “I want us to get married or something one day. And I know you deserve better than what I am right now.” He sighed and concluded the message, “I’ll see you when you get home. I love you.” 

When he hung up, he looked at the text messaging app and toyed with the idea of messaging Robert. He doubted that the man would even be up, but he had to at least try.

‘Thank you for walking me home. What happened last night? I don’t remember a lot.’ 

Nathaniel needed validation that he was somehow misconstruing what he was remembering. There was no way that he was flirting with someone else at the bar or kissing this person. Robert didn’t answer immediately, but he did not think he would. 

Nathaniel sat up in the bed and grabbed the green smoothie sitting next to him. He drank it, letting the wheatgrass and honey fill his senses. His head was pounding in his skull and again, Nathaniel wondered if it would stop if he slammed his head into the wall. Maybe it would knock him out. If he was unconscious, he wouldn’t have to think about what he did.

It was simple to slide into that place where he couldn’t focus on anything. His eyes were on the wall in front of him, but he wasn’t truly seeing anything. His brain was on pause. It was neither blissful nor painful. It simply was.

What right did Nathaniel honestly have? What sort of justification was he going to pull out of himself now to make what happened last night anything but his fault? What did happen last night?

After finally pulling himself out of that state, Nathaniel placed the empty glass back on the table and forced himself out of bed. Like a newborn deer, he was unsteady on his feet and instantly reached for the end table so he would not fall on his face. 

Nathaniel made his way to the bathroom and instantly looked into the mirror. Nathaniel looked like he aged ten years after last night. As he followed the unattractive dark shadows on his face, he with his own eyes the bandage that was covering his cheek. He hesitantly tore at the bandage, revealing an angry abrasion of torn skin. 

_Nathaniel had tripped after putting so much weight on his hurt leg, stumbling forward as he and Robert walked on the road. He was already unbalanced, so it didn’t take much for him to fall forward. He tried to catch himself with his hands, but it was too late. He had fallen right on his face, the shock keeping him in the position on the road. He heard Robert curse before offering him help up._

_Nathaniel took Robert’s outstretched hand and pulled himself up. He could feel the blood trickling down his cheek. It wasn’t much. In the light of the street lamps, he could see the scratches on his hands and tiny drops of blood forming on the palm of his hand. He took another step forward and almost fell again. It was Robert that grabbed on him and picked him over. Nathaniel was thrown over Robert’s shoulder in a not so gentle manner._

He took the bandages off his hands next, frowning at the scrapes covering his palms. He dropped the bandages in the trash can. Afterwards, he stripped himself and saw the severe and angry red and purple bruise on his knee. At this rate, with all the damage his leg was taking recently, he would never walk again. 

***

Nathaniel had been walking downstairs with the empty glass when he realized he was not alone in the house. He turned the corner and took notice of Robert lounging on the couch. “What are you doing here?” Nathaniel asked, out of curiosity more than shock. After all this time, nothing Robert did surprise him. He didn’t even want to know how he got into the house.

Robert glanced over his shoulder to look at Nathaniel, “You’re the one who texted me.” He said this as though Nathaniel should have seen Robert inviting himself over as the obvious outcome. The smell of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne was more comforting to him than he would like to admit. 

“And you got out of bed at…” Nathaniel used his free hand to pull out his phone to check the time, “Wow, ten in the morning, to come over to my place?”

Robert rolled his eyes, “All that time I could have spent typing out an answer…It would take just as long to tell you…”

That was not a good sign. Nathaniel put his phone back in his jeans pocket and carefully covered the worry on his face, “Can I get you anything? We have water and a variety of juices.” 

“What happened to you having cherry coke or an actual drink?” Robert asked with a raised eyebrow, clearly not interested in liquids with an actual benefit to the body.

“Oh, that went out with ice cream sandwiches and nachos. I’ll get you some water,” Nathaniel said, keeping his complaints for a minimum. He walked into the kitchen, pouring himself and Robert two glasses of water. He returned to the living room and sat down on the couch with Robert. He kept a healthy distance between the two.

“Thanks,” Robert nodded as he took the glass of water. He took a polite sip and so did Nathaniel. He could feel Robert’s eyes on him and Nathaniel kept his gaze forward. He was self-conscious about the healing mark on his cheek so he had put on an additional bandage for aesthetic reasons rather than medical. His hands were free from such constrictions. Nathaniel kept the glass of water in his hand. The cool glass eased the lingering pain in his hands. 

“Is Mary angry with me? I feel like she is,” Nathaniel began the conversation, ignoring the elephant in the room that was Nathaniel’s solid memory of kissing someone last night. 

Robert chuckled before he answered Nathaniel, “She was. But she was fine with you by the end of the night. I doubt she even remembers anymore.” Unable to ignore Robert’s eyes, Nathaniel turned to look at him. “You don’t remember what you said to her about Joseph?” 

Nathaniel thought back to that night again. He didn’t particularly like thinking about the man for any longer than necessary. He shook his head in response to Robert’s question.

“Well, the three of us were going back and forth, talking about relationships,” Robert began the story and Nathaniel found himself as enraptured with his narrative regarding Last Night as anything else the man had told him, “The two of you got into a pissing contest talking about who could probably go home with someone that night. Mary pulled the sexy married woman card. You countered with a dark, creative soul card. You two made excellent points. But I trumped you with the ‘sex, no questions’ card. The two of you would probably lead the poor person on, I’d kick them out of my place. Like a normal person.”

It sounded like something they would argue about. And Nathaniel believed Robert. The first night that he met and when Robert propositioned him, Nathaniel knew that it was going to be trouble. Looking back on it, that decision was one of the only good ones he had made in regards to one night stands.

“You followed with the fact that you were with the hottest guy in the cul-de-sac…You went on and on about Craig’s abs and biceps and hair and eyes and every single thing about that man. And then, you got super sappy about how much you loved him and he was special to you and blah, blah, blah. Thank God, Mary made you take a shot. You looked like you were going to start crying and kill my buzz,” Robert looked down at his water and asked Nathaniel, “Are you sure that you don’t have…I don’t know…rum or something?”

“It’s ten in the morning, no. Tell me what happened next,” Nathaniel countered as he hurried Robert to continue with what happened. 

“Alright, alright,” Robert sighed, setting the glass on the coffee table. Nathaniel wondered if he deliberately meant to miss the coaster. “You took a shot and Mary talked about how you and Craig were best friends, which it didn’t count for you getting anyone. Then you looked at her and told her that you could probably have her husband if you wanted to.”

Oh God.

At this point Nathaniel could pick up on something lingering in Robert’s tone. It wasn’t quite anger, but Nathaniel could figure out that the man wasn’t quite too happy with him. 

_Mary looked at him with shock in her eyes. She appeared to be struggling to verbalize a decent comeback and stay in this joking mood. But the words were far too much. As Nathaniel laughed to himself, Mary stared down into her wine glass._

_“I mean…I mean, I could right? I really could. I’ve seen the way he looks at me,” Nathaniel was still smiling as though everyone was still just roasting each other. “Mary, Mary, sweetheart…” He can’t stop laughing and he pours himself another glass of wine, “He wants to have sex with me so bad...” He’s cackling now. Joseph was so pathetic and it was the funniest thing in the world._

“Are you sure she’s not still angry with me?” Nathaniel questioned as he buried his head in his hands. He was steadily making a mess out of his relationships. 

“Pretty sure. We were all drunk and stupid. If you didn’t tell Mary that her husband wanted to fuck you, then it would be something else,” Robert shrugged as he reached into his jacket to pull out a pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

“Don’t smoke,” Nathaniel shook his head, reaching over to take the lighter from Robert’s hand, “I am never going to hear the end of it when Craig gets home and smells that.”

“No cherry coke and I can’t smoke. I wish you’d move back into your old place. I’d rather hang out there,” Robert grumbled as he took his lighter back and put it and the pack of cigarettes back in his jacket. “Told you not to shack up with Craig.”

When Nathaniel excitedly told Robert and Mary that Craig asked him to move in, he remembered Robert telling him that he was moving too fast. “Whatever,” he waved off before trying to get his attention back to the matter at hand, “What happened after that?” 

“Oh…nothing. You got shit faced, I walked you home. You threw up in Brian’s bushes. I think you aimed for them, by the way. I know how much you hate him,” Robert pointed out

“The bastard threw a Frisbee at my head. You get one chance to get on my good side,” Nathaniel muttered under his breath. He loved Daisy. Her father was someone he could live without. After realizing that Robert must have lied to him, Nathaniel pressed on, “Are you sure nothing happened?”

“Well, you had fallen face first on the asphalt. But I’m sure you figured that out,” Robert said, his eyes now moving away from Nathaniel’s. 

Not believing Robert, Nathaniel sighed in frustration. He rubbed his still pounding head and told Robert, “I remember things at the bar.” 

“Goddamn, Nathaniel,” Robert swore as he pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head, “You had an out. I didn’t have to say anything. You didn’t remember. You didn’t need another factor in this bullshit drama that you call a relationship.”

Robert’s tone did very little to ease Nathaniel’s anxiety. He could feel the blood rush out of his cheeks. His hands began to shake and he quickly set the forgotten glass of water down on the coffee table. “Did I fuck up?” Nathaniel asked, his voice hoarse with his apprehension. 

“Christ, I don’t know,” Robert mumbled, “By my standards, no. I don’t know what your moral code of honor is. All I know was that you were on your way to fucking up. One minute you and Mary were making a bet on who could get some new guy at the bar interested in them. The next minute, you look like you’re about to go home with him.”

_Nathaniel was smiling, but it was the smug sense of winning that caused his lips to twist upward. Mary had found her way back to the booth. She rolled her eyes at him. Nathaniel had jumped back into the single bachelor persona so easily it almost frightened him. It was feeding his ego. The man at the bar was young and had a decent body. He lapped up Nathaniel’s pitch about being a writer. Naïve eyes twinkled as they hung onto Nathaniel’s every word about his ‘process’._

_It wasn’t cheating. It was Nathaniel playing a game. Games were fun._

_“I’m actually a writer as well,” The young man offered up as though that line would work on Nathaniel as well. Every idiot that can string a sentence together thinks he’s a writer. But Nathaniel tried to be patient. He’s shy and his cheeks are an adorable bright red. Nathaniel isn’t sure why he stayed at the bar counter. He’s won the game. Mary’s picking up the tab tonight. “If you’re not doing anything tonight…you can come over to my place and I’d love to get your feedback…”_

_It’s nice to feel wanted. Nathaniel only feels flattered. It’s not what he’s interested in. It happened with Alex and it happened with Craig. Once Nathaniel fell in love, it was as though all others became dull in the light of his significant other._

_Nathaniel was lost in his own thought and he didn’t realize that he did not respond to this man. Suddenly, a hand was moving up his thigh. It feels wrong. The hand is too small, too soft. He found himself yearning for hands with amazing grip strength tugging him close. He says something. Whatever it was, it encouraged this stranger at the bar. Before Nathaniel knew it, he was being kissed. It was more surprise than anything that kept him in his place. It couldn’t have been more than a few moments before Robert had grabbed him._

“Now, I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t pull you away. You don’t seem like the cheating sort of asshole, even if you’re drunk. You’re more of the self-absorbed, pretentious asshole,” Robert mused, appearing to genuinely be in thought.

“Thanks,” Nathaniel replied drily as he bowed his head, “God…What do I do?” Should he tell Craig? Should he bury this inside with all the other things that he was omitting? 

“Why the hell should I know? If it were me, I wouldn’t even sweat it. It’s not like the kid was blowing you. Now, maybe that might be worth mentioning,” Robert commented as he got up from the couch.

Alarmed, Nathaniel asked him, “Are you going home?” Robert couldn’t leave him alone with his thoughts. 

Robert gave Nathaniel a once over glance and nodded, “I better scram. Morning service will be over soon, so your family will be home soon...Besides…I’m going back to bed. There’s a full moon tonight.” That was typically code for Robert running through the forest searching for some manifestation of evil. When Nathaniel would tag along, he would never believe in what they were searching for until he heard something innocuous like a twig snapping. “You want me to pick you up?”

“I would love to but even if I could run, I have a relationship I’m trying to keep together,” Nathaniel snapped, frustrated with his own actions over the past day. 

“Your loss,” Robert smirked, making his way out of the living room. He was used to Nathaniel’s sarcasm, “I’m this close to catching that Dover Ghost fucker….Keep it sleazy, Nathaniel…”

“Good luck. Don’t get killed,” Nathaniel called after him. He listened for Robert to leave, the front door opening and then closing behind him.

Before Nathaniel could further weigh his options, he felt the vibration of his phone ringing. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He saw that it was Craig calling him. It was a minute after eleven. Craig must have checked his message after the service ended. 

Nathaniel stared at his phone and took a deep breath. He had almost forgotten about that emotional voicemail he left Craig. He didn’t regret most of anything he said. He wasn’t sure if he had the emotional energy to deal with it anymore. He answered the phone, “Hey, bro…” 

“Are you serious?”

The question made Nathaniel lose all the breath in his body. Craig didn’t sound particularly upset. He couldn’t put a finger on the tone, but Nathaniel was worried that that this conversation was not going to go well. “What do you mean?” Nathaniel questioned hesitantly. 

“Don’t play games with me, Nathaniel. I asked Brian to take care of River and the twins are playing with Carmensita and Daisy. I have like five minutes to talk. Are you serious about getting married and spending our life together?” Craig clarified with a strain in his voice. The more he spoke, the more Nathaniel could identify the tone in his voice. He sounded as though he was struggling to hold himself back.

“…Yes,” Nathaniel answered honestly. He didn’t elaborate. He was worried he would say the wrong thing once more.

Craig didn’t say anything at first. Nathaniel could hear him breathing and he struggled to keep himself from talking. He didn’t trust what he would say. “Mary told me what happened…” Craig finally stated. “And she told me to tell you ‘we’re good now’.”

Nathaniel knew that he was overreacting, but he could have sworn that his heart stopped in that moment. He was going to deal with Mary later. Right now, he had to do damage control. “Craig…”

“Nathaniel, if you deny it-“

“I’m not going to deny it,” Nathaniel interrupted him as he ran his fingers through his hair, “Did she tell you that it was some stupid bet and that Robert pulled me off?”

“Does that make it any better?” Craig demanded, his anger coming out in trickles, “Nathaniel, you went out drinking after that hellish day we had and you flirted and kissed another man. How are you going to call me and leave me that voicemail? What makes that okay?”

“I…” Nathaniel started, his brain short circuiting as his anxiety prevented him from coming up with a cogent sentence. “I’m sorry. I would never, ever do something like that. I just had too much to drink.”

“I know that. We’ve both done stupid things when we we’re drinking in college. If you want to get drunk and flirt with some young hipster at the expense of my pride, then fine. That’s another conversation. My issue is that I actually thought we were making progress,” Craig’s voice began to quicken and Nathaniel could hear that his breathing was becoming more erratic. “Then you left to go drinking. Robert has to carry you home. You’re so wasted that you can barely walk. Then I get this voicemail about how you’re sorry and how you love me and want to marry me.” He’s starting to hyperventilate at this point and it’s beginning to scare Nathaniel, even with all that Craig was telling him.

“Craig, you need to breathe,” Nathaniel started, hesitantly; he was worried that Craig would snap at him for the interruption. 

But Craig didn’t. That’s because Craig is a good person, Nathaniel thought to himself guiltily. Craig took a deep, shaking breath. The exhale was almost as ragged. The breathing went on for thirty seconds, until Craig settled. All the while, Nathaniel felt like his own heart race. For a moment, there was silence. “…Do you know why this is bothering me?”

“Because I’m being unpredictable,” Nathaniel offered, “And I’m so-“

“That’s part of it, but not everything is about you,” Craig retorted. His voice was tired now, “Watching how you were last night was like watching myself. I was a wreck before I had the girls. It was surreal. I needed my partner and you weren’t there, not really.” 

“Craig,” Nathaniel started, hoping that he could come up with something comforting to say.

“I got to get the girls,” Craig said quickly, “We’ll be home in ten minutes. Bye…” And with that, he hung up.

When ‘I love you’ became a thing between the two, Nathaniel had insisted on saying it every time they were on the phone together. He had told Craig that after Alex, he realized how unpredictable life was. He wanted to make sure that the people he cared about knew that he loved them. There was a hollow feeling inside him when Craig hung up on him. He slowly put his phone down on the table.

Before the phone made contact with the furniture, it began to buzz in Nathaniel’s hand. Craig was calling back. He was almost scared to answer the phone. 

“Hello?” Nathaniel asked, hating the scared tone of this voice.

“…I love you,” was Craig’s greeting. 

Nathaniel couldn’t help but smile, letting out an uneasy laugh, “I love you too…It’s going to be okay.”

“I hope so,” Craig sighed before hanging up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this week, I'm going to be working on what I've written for Stress Fracture so far and doing edits and fixing continuity issues. If anyone has any feedback, that would be greatly appreciated.


	11. Something Blue

The next time Nathaniel saw Mary, he was going to murder her.

Maybe that was an exaggeration, but they were most certainly not ‘good’ and Nathaniel was not going to rest until they were. He quickly changed Mary’s contact name in his phone to “Trifling, Doesn’t Mind Her Own Business Hag” and that was enough to satiate his immediate need for revenge. The next time he saw Joseph, he was going to lead him on for a bit. Then they’ll be ‘good’. 

It didn’t take long for Craig to arrive home with the girls. Nathaniel set his phone down on the end table when he saw Craig’s car pull up in the drive way. The minute that the front door opened, Nathaniel sprung up from his position on the couch. Perhaps ‘sprung’ was too strong a word because of his limiting leg and fatigue, but it was the thought that counted. “Hey guys!” Nathaniel greeted as they walked into his line of vision. “How was church?” He questioned, deliberating avoiding Craig’s eyes on him. 

Craig and the girls were by no means as color coordinated as the Christansens were, but there was something sweet and unifying about the blue that each of them had somewhere in their outfit. No one quite answered him at first. The twins looked at each other and probably communicated more in that gesture than Nathaniel did with Craig over the last twenty four hours. “S’Alright,” Briar finally said. 

River, who had been distracted by Arnold, finally acknowledged Nathaniel’s presence. She reached for him, making pitiful grunting noises. Nathaniel took a few steps forward and Craig hesitantly made the exchange. Nathaniel adjusted River in his arms. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw the girls make a quick exit and dashed up the stairs.

“They saw me last night, didn’t they?” Nathaniel asked. It was the only reason why they were aware of the tension. He didn’t see Craig as someone who would tell them what happened. 

“Yeah,” Craig answered, rubbing the back of his neck. There as something softer in his voice compared to earlier in the morning when he called Nathaniel back. It wasn’t defeated, but it wasn’t angry either. “Robert woke me up. By the time I got downstairs, they were waking up as well. The twins were really worried that you were hurt…Especially with all that blood on your face…But then they put two and two together.” 

“I’m so sorry that they had to see that,” Nathaniel apologized. Out of all the times he had done so lately, he had never felt more sincere. His cheeks turned red with embarrassment and guilt. Craig had worked so hard to make sure that they never saw anything like that and Nathaniel ruined everything yet again.

Craig didn’t say anything at first. He busied himself with holding Arnold over River, watching as her arms extended out towards her toy. “I’m sorry for making you wait last night…The call lasted longer than I thought it would.” 

Craig’s hand in this situation was so miniscule in Nathaniel’s eyes that he shook his head. He didn’t want to accept the apology because it wasn’t needed. But it was appreciated. Apologies never had a particularly strong effect on Nathaniel. “Thank you for the smoothie. It really helped…” He said, hoping that he could change the conversation to something more palatable. 

At this point, River was not too interested in Arnold and started to squirm in Nathaniel’s arms. “Bro…”

“What’s up, little miss?” Nathaniel tilted his head in concern. He moved her in his arms so he could look her in her eyes.

“She’s probably hungry,” Craig said as he pulled Arnold away from her. “Would you mind changing her into her play clothes and making her a snack?” 

To anyone else, this offer may or not have been accepted with indifference. For Nathaniel, he felt as though he had just opened a door that had longed been locked to him. “Really?” He asked, stunned by his own disbelief.

“If you don’t mind,” Craig quickly followed up, his own hesitance showing.

“Not at all!” Nathaniel grinned. He took River’s chubby hand and waved it at her father, “See you in a bit, Daddy.” River thought it was the height of entertainment and giggled uncontrollably. 

Between that and the euphoric smile on Craig’s face, Nathaniel finally felt at peace.

***

The rest of the day was spent with Craig playing in the backyard with his girls. It was an usually warm November day. Everyone could walk around outside freely with only a light jacket over their clothes. Nathaniel had parked himself out on the patio with his laptop and a glass of Chardonnay (AKA, Drinking Wine). River was just inside, barely three feet away from the patio, taking a nap in her day playpen. 

Something had changed though.

Nathaniel had started to put his guard down. After he was given the task of changing and feeding River, he had met up with Craig after he changed his outfit. Any attempts at conversation were met with one word answers. And like that, Nathaniel felt as though he was back at square one. 

As far as his writing was concerned, he had accomplished half of what he intended to work on for the day. He was too distracted by watching Craig playing ball with his girls. He felt as though he was on the outside looking in. Anxiously, Nathaniel waited for some sort of in, some reason to get Craig’s attention. 

“Keep at it, girls. I’m going to check on River.”

Nathaniel saw his way in and watched as Craig came up to the patio, barely acknowledging Nathaniel with a glance. “Hey, bro,” Nathaniel started as he waved Craig down. When his partner stopped and looked at him, Nathaniel let out a nervous chuckle. There we go. “After you check on River, can you look over this paragraph for me? I need your input.” It wasn’t quite a lie. He always hated writing scenery. 

“Why don’t you ask that twink at the bar to look over it for you?” Craig asked before leaving to go into the house.

Nathaniel sat there in silence, eyes and mouth agape. Stunned, Nathaniel slowly returned his attention back to his laptop. Well, this was not good. He didn’t even remember the young man’s name but Nathaniel wished nothing but misery on the boy. Full of spite, Nathaniel deleted the entire paragraph. People knew what train stations looked like. 

He thought they were over this. Where was this coming from? Nathaniel finished his glass of wine, enjoying the soft buzz he was experiencing. It was better than feeling as though his insides were about to twist into knots. 

It wasn’t long before Craig walked back outside. Nathaniel reached over to grab his hand before he could get off the patio. Craig stopped and looked at him, his hand passively held in Nathaniel’s. “I’m yours, you know that right?” Nathaniel asked, running his thumb over Craig’s hand. 

Craig looked like he had something on his mind that he wanted to verbalize. He looked over at the twins who had started to play on their own. He slowly sat down at the patio table, sitting next to Nathaniel. But as soon as he did, he pulled his hand out of Nathaniel’s. 

Nathaniel closed his laptop without saving what he was working on. It was all garbage anyway. When he did, he saw that Craig had placed his phone in front of him. Nathaniel looked at Craig curiously before he picked up his phone. He almost wanted to ask what Craig was doing with his phone before he was distracted by the notification on the lock screen. When he did, he saw that earlier in the day, he had gotten a text from an unfamiliar number. On his phone’s lock screen, he was able to see the first sentences of the text.

‘Hey, Nathaniel! This is Ryder from Jim and Kim’s last night. Do you still want to come over to my place? I…’ 

Ryder. That was what his name was. 

“You gave him your number?” Craig asked, incredulously. The same tired look in Nathaniel’s eyes was mirrored in his. “Bro, are you serious?” He looked around again to make sure the girls were out of earshot before he leaned in, “Why did you give him your number?”

Conscious as well of the girls’ presence, Nathaniel kept his voice low. “I didn’t give him my number! I don’t give my number out to people I meet at bars,” he denied as he tried to think over that night again. He didn’t have a clear memory of it, but he did not recall giving the man any contact information. It wasn’t like him anyway. There were very few people he slept with that he wanted further communication. “At least…I don’t think I did…”

The two men stared at each other, neither one saying anything at first. Overwhelmed by the silence, Nathaniel spoke up, “I can text him right now and tell him to fuck off. I have no problem doing that.” He said as he reached for his phone. 

“Nathaniel…” Craig started but Nathaniel was quick to interrupt him.

“Doing it right now,” Nathaniel as he unlocked his phone and quickly typed his rejection to Ryder, not even bothering to read the rest of his text. “And send.” And with that, he lightly tossed his phone back on the table, “There. That’s over with. It’s done.”

Craig’s cheeks were beginning to flush with what Nathaniel could only label as embarrassment. “I could have just asked you…I’ve…” Craig, who had grown so much since college both physically and mentally, seemed to shrink into himself as he placed one of his hands on his face, “I’ve just been stewing in this anger for an hour and I didn’t even have to…”

Nathaniel softened once more and he moved his hand to Craig’s in an effort to remove it from his face. He wanted to see his partner, “Hey…it’s fine…I was just…” He gave a shaky laugh, “I was worried that I had done something to screw up…again…”

“I don’t know how people live in marriages like this. It has barely been two days and I’m exhausted,” Craig said with a solemn, yet light hearted smile on his face. He was trying to paint this bump in their relationship in a better light.

“My parents did it for twenty five years. It can be done,” Nathaniel remarked with a shrug of his shoulders. He smirked as he found himself lost in the memory of growing up. 

The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable or comfortable. It just was. The two of them looked away from each other. The sound of Briar and Hazel playing was accompanied by the wind blowing through the trees. It was almost serene.

Nathaniel’s phone buzzed and he only looked at it to see that Ryder had texted something back. He didn’t read it. He didn’t care.

Feeling nostalgic, Nathaniel started talking, “I had a counselor back in high school who got me to apply for college and scholarship. Actually…I first started going to her because I…shockingly…was a nuisance in high school,” He laughed drily as he shook his head. Nathaniel didn’t think it was relevant to talk about his reputation in high school and moved on, “She thought the trash I wrote in high school was good and she told me to apply to these schools that had great literature programs…”

“I had two full scholarship offers. One was at Grand Ridge U and the other was at someplace I think is being discredited now…I picked Grand Ridge because it was the furthest away from my parents. August 16th, 1995. Move in Day at Grand Ridge U…You want to know what my mother said to me when she and my father dropped me off?” 

“Bro, I hate to ask but…Is there a point to this?” Craig asked.

Nathaniel sighed. He was trying to set a scene here. 

Long fingers tapped on the laptop. It as a fidget needed in order to keep Nathaniel from saying something biting in return. “She asked me to make sure I made at least one friend…I was at this new college. I had people I guess I could call friends, but they were at other universities. I walked into student housing, walked up two flights of steps with all my worldly possessions in a suitcase. I opened the door to my dorm room and…”

Craig interrupted, but this time there was a nostalgic look on his face, “I didn’t know it at the time, but I saw the man I was going to fall in love with that day. Something drew me to you and I got up from my bed and pulled you into the tightest hug.”

Nathaniel snickered as he thought back to the memory, “I swear to God, for the scrawny kid you were back then, you could bring it when it came to hugs. So here I was, completely unused to human affection, being hugged by this really hot, probably straight dude-bro. Something told me to give you a chance instead of running down to find a RA. And I’m so glad that I did. I made my one friend and you were the best friend I ever had.” 

“Craig, you were like the sun rising. You could have left me alone. But you dragged me along with you to every party, every game. You were the one person in my life that didn’t want something from me. I wished that I appreciated you back then…”

He paused, caught up in his own sense of emotions. “But I wouldn’t have even met you if I didn’t go there…I wouldn’t have met Alex. I wouldn’t have had Amanda. If I didn’t pick Grand Ridge U, I wouldn’t be with you today.” 

He chuckled again, feeling cozy as he made his way down memory lane, “If I didn’t sucker punch my ex-boyfriend at that football game, I would have never had to go see the counselor and she would have never seen my writing. I would still be trailer trash. You though….You would have been fine without me…” 

Craig had lost all annoyance with Nathaniel. Craig looked at him with sympathy and reached over to take Nathaniel’s hand back in his.

“But to answer your question…” Nathaniel sighed as he squeezed Craig’s hand, “The point of this story is that the fact you and I met and became friends was a universal anomaly. I could have gone down another path at any time in my life, but I didn’t. I followed the path that lead to you. I stumbled into you not once, but twice…I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose the girls. And I am not going to give that up for maybe twenty minutes of action with some pretty boy.” 

His mouth felt like cotton when he ended his monologue. Nathaniel looked away from Craig and stared at his laptop.

“…Do you know how much I want to let it go?” Craig asked, his voice quiet. Nathaniel’s eyes moved back to meet his and he could see the emotional turmoil going on in his partner. “Do you know how much I want to forget the things you have said to me over the past couple of days? The things I said to you? Do you know how much I want to chalk up to you kissing someone else to you being drunk and stupid? And do you want to know the worst thing I want?” He turned his head to make sure the girls were still playing before he looked at Nathaniel. His voice was a whisper now, “Do you know how much I want to just take what you say to heart and go back to the way things were?”

Nathaniel didn’t want to admit that what Craig wanted was so close to what he wanted. The way Craig phrased it, it would make Nathaniel sound like the most selfish person in the world. He had wanted things to be the way they were before. He wanted them to be happy. He was just scared of what he needed to do in order to make that happen.

“Your words,” Craig continued, “No matter how nice they were, doesn’t excuse what you did last night.” He smiled, now looking down at Nathaniel’s hand in his. Craig brought Nathaniel’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles in a sign of affection that utterly confused Nathaniel. He looked at Craig warily, wondering what was going on. 

“I just…I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. I love you and I’ll do anything in the world to make us work,” Nathaniel articulated, mentally scrambling to come up with something to say that would convince Craig that he was telling the truth.

“I know that,” Craig agreed with an even tone to his voice, “But it still happened and I can’t forget it. I can’t forget the fear in the girls’ eyes when they realized you couldn’t even stand.” Nathaniel looked at Craig with hurt in his eyes and that caused Craig to look away from him. “I want nothing more than to fall into your arms and believe you. I want nothing more to listen to you weave this story. I can’t do that, Nathaniel.”

“The very first thought that crossed my mind when Mary told me about what happened wasn’t even to disbelieve her. I believed that you were drunk and hitting on some guy at the bar. That fact bothers me enough, but it’s the second thought I had that freaked me out. I was angry. Not with you or even that man at the bar. I was angry with myself,” Craig admitted, still avoiding Nathaniel’s gaze.

Nathaniel stared at Craig incredulously, “Why were you angry with yourself?” As hard as it was for Nathaniel to admit it, he was the one who had messed up. 

Craig sighed, putting his face in his free hand. He rubbed his temple and did not say anything at first. “I thought I had done something to make you do that. I thought that there was something wrong with me and that’s why you kissed him,” Craig explained. Nathaniel was tempted to pull his hand away so he could look Craig in the eyes. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you. This was on me,” Nathaniel declared. Guilt was eating at his stomach. He wished there was an easy fix. He wished that he could say something that would make the two of them better. 

***

Nathaniel tried to remember the most serious fight he had with Alex and how they handled it.

To say that Alex’s parents hated him was a kind understatement. And that was before the car accident. Nathaniel wasn’t particularly sure why. Alex never told him what they said to her and they never really acknowledged him. It couldn’t have been an issue with his profession because Alex was a writer as well. Nathaniel didn’t get the vibe that it was a race thing. They didn’t just like him. On Nathaniel and Alex’s wedding day, Nathaniel had heard that before Alex’s father walked her down the aisle, he kept insisting that ‘it wasn’t too late’ and ‘I can get the car. We can leave right this minute’. Alex’s mother came up to him during the reception and told him that if he really cared about Alex, he would let her go.

So suffice to say, when Alex’s parents got sick and she asked if they could move to Florida so she could take care of him, he promptly responded with a ‘Fuck no’. Amanda was only a baby at the time and money was tight enough without moving across the country. He wasn’t going to leave his home, leave his community…leave his best friend. 

Alex didn’t push it but Nathaniel couldn’t ignore the way she moped around. She was upset and she showed it by internalizing her emotions. Unable to see his wife unhappy, he agreed to the move. She lit up as though he had brought down the moon for her and all was well. The day that they left, Craig came over to their place. The two of them embraced each other for so long that Alex teasingly told them to get a room. 

Nathaniel was able to end that argument by giving Alex what she wanted and committing himself to almost two years of hell before her parents got better and they moved back to Massachusetts. He highly doubted that he could do the same with Craig.

Craig came to bed not long after getting the girls in bed. Nathaniel was already clad in flannel pajamas and reading his book. He glanced at Craig when he walked in. His eyes lingered on Craig as he stripped off his clothes from the day. There was a temptation to beckon Craig over so he could remove the clothes himself. But the art of seduction, as wonderful as Nathaniel could be at it, was not the most appropriate action to take that night.

So reluctantly, Nathaniel looked back to his book. He kept his eyes on the page, even as a shirtless Craig got into bed. He didn’t even notice he was frowning until Craig spoke up. “Not a good book?”

Nathaniel blinked his eyes in a struggle to focus, “Um…it’s alright. I’m having a hard time sympathizing with the narrator, but none of the people in this book are good people. I just want to see who the killer is.” He grabbed his bookmark and placed it in his book before putting it back on the end table.

He could still feel Craig’s eyes on him even as he turned the lamp off. He lied down on the bed and he sense that Craig was scooting closer to him. Craig moved so that his head was resting on Nathaniel’s chest. His arm draped around Nathaniel’s waist and pulled him close. Nathaniel couldn’t help but smile before kissing the top of Craig’s head. He moved his arm so he would be able to run his fingers up and down Craig’s back. 

Craig soon moved his head and his lips met Nathaniel’s. The two engaged in soft, lazy kissing. Nothing was said. It was the meeting of the minds. Nathaniel’s teeth grazed Craig’s lower lip. Craig responded by moving his hand up Nathaniel’s shirt. He could feel himself grow warm under the touch of his lover. Nathaniel hummed, only noticing after being touched that he did not flinch away. The kissing became more heated as Nathaniel’s tongue ran over Craig’s lip and met with Craig’s. 

As their mouths parted, Craig moved from his passive position. He adjusted his body so that he was covering Nathaniel’s body, straddling him. He lifted his hips, able to support himself in this position with his strong legs. Nathaniel wondered if he was being conscious of Nathaniel’s leg. Craig straightened up and stared down at Nathaniel. In the darkness of the bedroom, Nathaniel could only see the outline of his partner’s form and the shine of his eyes. 

“Do you know how beautiful you are?” Craig asked, his voice breathless. He moved his hand along Nathaniel’s cheek, his fingers tenderly stroking the bandage still on his face.

Nathaniel’s heart skipped a beat and he smiled at him, “Maybe you can tell me.” 

Craig chuckled as he ran his hand from Nathaniel’s face down to his chest, “I haven’t been doing a good job of that lately…if you thought I didn’t want you.” 

“Don’t worry about that…” Nathaniel pleaded, not wanting to think about where they were. He wanted to pretend for a moment that this was a normal night. He didn’t want to expose himself any more than what he already had. 

“Why not?” Craig asked, raising one of his artfully styled eyebrows.

“Just…” Nathaniel started. His words were caught in his throat and he couldn’t articulate his thoughts. How could he be so confident with strangers and a perfect mess with the man he loved? “Don’t worry about it,” He repeated. 

The look in Craig’s eyes told Nathaniel that he was not going to follow the order. He looked away and Nathaniel followed his gaze to the lamp. Nathaniel opened his mouth and tried to come up with a convincing excuse when they were interrupted. 

River had started crying and Craig’s attention was immediately switched from Nathaniel. “Dude, I can go to her…” Nathaniel offered.

“…Are you sure?” Craig asked, uncertainly, “It’s hard to get her back to sleep.” He removed himself from straddling Nathaniel and watched as Nathaniel sat up in the bed.

“No problem. I’m not that tired,” Nathaniel said as he forced his body to get out of the bed. Craig on the other hand was. He had to be. As much as he would like to engage in intimacy with Craig, he didn’t want to go through this body positivity thing that Craig was trying to impose on him. Craig would fall asleep and Nathaniel would be able to put this off.

Putting it off, avoiding, didn’t want to talk about it. 

Was that normal? 

***

Nathaniel had thought that with Craig’s crazy schedule that it would be weeks before they could get an appointment with this relationship counselor. By some divine intervention, either good or evil, the counselor had a canceled appointment on Friday while the girls were at school and when Craig could switch around his work/exercise schedule. There was the matter of River but Smashley volunteered to take the infant a day earlier than the intended pick up time on Saturday. 

His leg had gotten better as did the daily living situation with Craig. He felt as though they were still on uneven ground, but it was most certainly better than it was on Saturday and Sunday. The girls had graciously not questioned Nathaniel directly about what happened Saturday night. He was able to look after River more often. Things were looking different. 

Craig was going to pick Nathaniel up from the house after he was done with meeting with a manufacturer. Nathaniel was currently standing in front of the window in the kitchen, his eyes watching the road for Craig’s vehicle. But that was not all he was doing. 

When Nathaniel woke that morning and realized what they were going to do that day, he could feel the stress rising in his body. He hadn’t thought about his last stint with therapy in a while. The woman treating him had been nice enough at first. She let him talk about Alex and Amanda as long as he wanted. But it wasn’t long before she would ask annoying questions.

_‘Have you been sleeping lately?’_

_‘Are you drinking more than usual?’_

_‘Nathaniel, eventually, we’re going to have to talk about the accident.’_

_‘Did going against Alex’s parents’ wishes regarding the funeral make you feel better?’_

Answers: Yes, too much actually. No, less. No, we don’t have to. And yes it did, I’m not sending her body to Florida. 

Nathaniel took out a nearly empty bottle of Shiraz and poured the remaining contents into his signature purple water bottle. He screwed the top back on, his eyes still on the window. He wasn’t going to get through this without some liquid courage and something to calm his nerves. He wasn’t going to pour his soul and relationship in front of a stranger without feeling artificial in some way. 

When Craig’s SUV pulled up, Nathaniel left the kitchen counter with his water bottle in his hand. There was no turning back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for the comments and feedback and everything. I'm going to start working on rewriting portions of Stress Fracture this week. There will not be an update for Stress Fracture next week because of this. I may write a companion one shot, but I'm going to try and focus on editing and fixing different things. Thank you again for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	12. Pregaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So I'm sorry for the delay. I've been sick with a migraine for this past week. I hope that you enjoy this chapter before we get into the therapy session between Nathaniel and Craig. I hope that you enjoy this chapter. As always, comments are welcome!

Nathaniel got into Craig’s SUV with about as much ease as expected. He took a quick sip out of his water bottle before putting it in the console separating the two men. They exchanged greetings and Craig started the drive from their home to the therapist’s office.

“How’s the book going?” Craig asked after a few moments of silence. He moved one hand off the wheel in order to take Nathaniel’s. Nathaniel squeezed the hand, grateful that Craig decided to broach this topic rather than talk about the obvious.

“My agent says that it’s reading like a gay Gone Girl as far as the style,” Nathaniel stated, “So I’m rewriting some parts.” He had not quite been in the mood for criticism and didn’t care for any of his writing to be called the gay anything. After a heated debate via Skype with his agent, Nathaniel saw some of her points and begrudgingly made a plan for editing. 

“Gone Girl’s pretty good though, isn’t it?” Craig asked, continuing with the idle chit chat. Nathaniel wondered if he was really interested in what he was writing. Craig was supportive as any partner should be, but Nathaniel was almost certain he didn’t read anything he had written on his own. 

“It’s popular,” Nathaniel replied, giving as close as he could give to an agreement, “If the book had to be compared to anything, I’d rather it be a contemporary Stephen King story.” 

“I liked Gone Girl,” Craig commented with a shrug of his shoulders.

The conversation tapered off, but their hands still remained entwined. The silence was comfortable between them, mostly because of the physical contact between them.

The peace lasted for all of two minutes before a sudden flash of orange ran out in front of the car. Nathaniel let out a yelp before Craig snatched his hand away to grab the steering well. He forced the SUV to brake and Nathaniel felt himself lurch forward. He almost went headfirst into the dashboard. 

The flash of orange was soon identified as a human being and that human being was no other than Ernest Vega. If the orange hoodie didn’t tip Nathaniel off, the careless middle finger in the SUV’s direction did.

The disrespect poured on Nathaniel’s unsteady mood. And he was always ready to get into a verbal altercation, even with a teenager. “Fucking brat,” Nathaniel swore as he pressed the button that would roll down his window.

Craig was still staring ahead at the road, his hands still gripping the steering wheel as though his life depended on it. “Bro, don’t,” Craig started, his voice shaky, but Nathaniel quickly interrupted him.

“No, you could have hit him,” Nathaniel snapped before putting his head out the window. He yelled at Ernest as he walked down the sidewalk, “Look before you cross the street. Do you know what damage an SUV can do to you?” He knew what damage it could do to another person even if they were in a car themselves. 

“Kiss my ass, Nathaniel,” Ernest shouted back at him, looking over his shoulder to address the man briefly.

Before Nathaniel could get down to the level of a middle schooler, Craig stepped on the accelerator and drove away from Ernest in order to get back on the route.

“I wish Hugo would control his kid. Shouldn’t he be in school?” Nathaniel muttered under his breath as he pressed the button to make his window roll up. 

“Give the dude a break. It’s not easy being divorced and raising a preteen pretty much by yourself,” Craig defended his friend. 

Agitated that Craig thought that defending Hugo was the best thing to do at this point, Nathaniel huffed and looked out the window, “Do you know what my father would have done if I did a tenth of what Ernest did? When I was his age, I talked back to my father once and he…” His thoughts finally caught up with what he was saying and he swallowed the rest of his sentence. 

He took in the quiet and watched the scenery as Craig drove through their little town. Craig didn’t pry, but Nathaniel was thankful when he reached over to take his hand again. Nathaniel could have let it go, but he didn’t, “The therapist isn’t the type that’s going to make me blame all of this on my parents, is he?”

Nathaniel heard Craig let out an amused noise. “Preston says that our parents’ relationships are one of the strongest influences on how we handle our own.” Nathaniel looked back at Craig and smiled when their eyes met. But the smile wasn’t long lived. Craig sighed before looking back at the road, “I want the girls to see how good we can be. I know they’re going to be in relationships and I know there are going to be problems. But I want to make sure they know how to handle them and seek out people who are good for them.” 

The seriousness of Craig’s words made Nathaniel feel more and more uncomfortable with each passing second. Using his free hand, Nathaniel reached over to his water bottle and took another sip of the wine inside. Another one was taken for good measure. 

The therapist’s office building was a small building amongst medical specialists’ buildings. Craig pulled the car up to the door and told his partner, “Go ahead and check us in. I’m going to park and check a few emails.” 

Nathaniel kept himself from making a comment about work, “Alright.” He grabbed his water bottle and got out of the car, shutting the door behind him. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Craig drove off to find a parking space. 

Here goes nothing.

Nathaniel stepped inside the waiting room of the doctor’s office, his eyes instantly drawn to the forty gallon tank of fish occupying half of the wall when he first walked in. Part of him wanted to stop and look at the fish, especially the angelfish. The room was clean and the furnishings were reminiscent of a more comfortable, smaller doctor’s waiting room. About ten feet away from the door sat the receptionist desk and at the reception desk sat a young man at the computer who almost looked like…

Oh.

No.

In the bright, illuminating light of day, Nathaniel could clearly see the man that he flirted with at Jim and Kim’s sitting at the receptionist desk. Before Nathaniel could bolt from the room, Ryder’s eyes looked over at him and he frowned.

“What are you doing here?” The young man asked, his dark green eyes narrowing with annoyance. 

That was right. Nathaniel didn’t quite end their correspondence in the best of ways. But how was he supposed to know that the man he kissed at the bar was the Craig’s therapist’s receptionist? How small was this town?

Nathaniel didn’t quite remember what Ryder looked like. His memory of the night was hazy at best. But now he could see the dark brown hair and pale skin. There were those terrible things in his ears. What were they called? Gauges? He remembered when Amanda asked to get gauges during her sophomore year of high school. The answer to that was a hard ‘no’. Also, Nathaniel didn’t remember Ryder looking so young. Then again, Nathaniel didn’t remember thinking about age at all. 

“My….um…boyfriend and I…” Nathaniel began, feeling more and more awkward as he made his way forward, “…have an appointment.”

“Your boyfriend,” Ryder repeated as he raised his eyebrow and tilted his head to the side, “Of course…” He sighed as he looked back to the computer at his desk.

Nathaniel wondered if the ground would just break in half and swallow him whole. That would be a great alternative rather than dealing with this conversation for one more second. He hadn’t felt so embarrassed since he was in high school. “I…um…would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything,” Nathaniel said as Ryder proceeded to click away on his computer.

Ryder sighed and his eyes moved from the computer screen to Nathaniel, “As much as I would love to cause that level of drama…My boss would not love it and I just started working here. Your secret is safe with me.” He pressed the bridge of his glasses and pushed them closer to his face, “I’m not the one with a Masters’ degree in family therapy, but I would suggest talking about why you felt the need to flirt with guys half your age at a bar.”

What was with this generation? Did they have no filter? 

“You are not half my age,” Nathaniel insisted with a voice that held more confidence in that statement that what he actually had. Before Nathaniel could continue, he heard the door open. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Craig walking in. He put on a smile before cutting a glare back to Ryder. 

Ryder looked around Nathaniel in an effort to see what Craig looked like. Ryder mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, ‘Hot damn’. Nathaniel thought that after overhearing the moms flirt with Craig for months, he would be desensitized to any comment. However, that remark coming from someone like Ryder was almost jarring. Ryder stood up, now addressing Nathaniel, “I’ll let Preston know you’re here…” He looked at Craig again before leaving the waiting room and going through the door by his desk.

If Craig was aware of any tension between his boyfriend and the young man at the desk, he didn’t show it. Instead, he was very interested in the fish tank by the wall. “Sweet! Preston still has the clown fish,” Craig remarked happily.

Between that utterly sweet observation, embarrassment residue and being little buzzed, Nathaniel felt warmer than usual. He walked over to Craig and looked at the fish tank as well. One of the clown fish danced within the tendrils of the sea anemone. 

If Nathaniel was in his twenties, he would already be thinking of a way that he could steal one of the fish for Craig as a token of his love and as a tribute to their friendship. But the logic that came with maturity stood in his way. 

The door opened again and Nathaniel turned to see Ryder come back in, “He’s ready for you guys.” He plopped down at his desk and started typing away at his computer. 

The two men left the simple calm of the fish tank and made their way to the door. Knowing that he was about to be judged by a complete stranger was nerve-racking. He took a swig of the shiraz in his water bottle, wondering how he hand managed to drink half of what he poured into the bottle. Craig may have known this guy, but how was he not nervous? 

Craig was the one who lead the way through the door and down the short hallway. There was one door that was open and Nathaniel watched as he went through that one. Nathaniel followed after. 

The therapist’s office was as cozy as the waiting room. A comfortable couch was placed on one side of the room and a leatherback chair sat across from it. Behind the chair was a desk with swivel chair. Sitting on that swivel chair was a middle aged, attractive man with chin length long black hair. Nathaniel could only assume that this was Preston. He stood up from the desk immediately upon seeing Craig. Nathaniel watched as the two men greeted each other as though they were old friends. 

“And this must be Nathaniel, it’s great to meet you,” Preston smiled as he walked over to Nathaniel and extended his hand.

“Nice to meet you, too,” Nathaniel said as he used his free hand to shake Preston’s. 

Preston released Nathaniel’s hand and gestured towards the couch. Nathaniel watched as Craig sat down with as much ease and comfort as he would if he was home. He sighed, wishing that he could at least share the same feeling with Craig. He sat down next to him and set his water bottle on the floor next to him. He would need it.


	13. Rock Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Bet you thought you've seen the last of me. I hope that you like this chapter. It was a bit of a struggle for me to write, considering the content matter. Feedback is always appreciated. Thank you everyone who has stuck it out and is reading. The comments and kudos always make me so happy.

Preston looked at Craig first before his eyes settled on Nathaniel. The writer squirmed under the gaze and looked away. He took Craig’s hand in his to squeeze it. They had to present a united front .He had to show that they really didn’t need intensive help. They needed guidance. 

Preston begins with almost the same speech his previous therapist gave about confidentiality and what he would do with certain types of information. Nathaniel tuned out until he heard his name.

“Nathaniel, what brings you here today?” Preston asked with a calm, small smile. The events of the last week ran through Nathaniel’s head and he found it hard to settle on one particular thing. He glanced at Craig and his nervousness was put to rest when he saw Craig’s encouraging eyes. 

“I want to stay with my boyfriend. I’ll do anything to make him happy. But we can’t be together if…” He is usually far more articulate. But something about speaking about his ‘feelings’ made him feel tongue tied. “I don’t like to fight. Is that so difficult to ask for?” 

“Is it with Craig or with anyone in general?” Preston asked, shifting in his seat as he looked at Nathaniel with interest.

Craig was the one to speak this time, “As long as I’ve known him, he has this ‘mean girl’ hostility with everyone he comes into contact with.” 

It’s true, but it didn’t mean that Craig could just say it. Nathaniel felt embarrassed about being described in such a manner. It was especially mortifying to be described in any way as a ‘mean girl’ when you were a man in his forties. “Yes, Craig is a ray of sunshine that is everyone’s best friend and yet he chose to be with a cynic who calls out other people on their bullshit.”

“So you knew that Nathaniel had the tendency to be blunt with strangers and acquaintances,” Preston affirmed, directing his attention to Craig, “This is not new behavior.” Nathaniel wondered why he was suddenly being ignored.

Craig appeared like he had been caught in a lie, but it wasn’t a lie. He shrugged his shoulders, “Well…no, it’s not…I always knew that he was mean to other people. But…it was a very nice feeling to think that you were one of the only people he didn’t feel that way towards.”

Of course he wouldn’t be that way with Craig. He was his best friend. Nathaniel had to give the man credit for putting up with him during college. At first, that was all that was. Nathaniel didn’t want to make any biting comments and he slowly found that there was nothing he could harp over. Sure, Craig was a slob and a frat boy without the frat. He was also more than likely the first genuine friend Nathaniel had. Nathaniel wasn’t a narcissist. He could see the good other people were doing for him. Nathaniel appreciated the effort Craig put into seeing through his layers. 

“So,” Preston started again, “You don’t mind Nathaniel’s behavior unless it is directed towards you.”

The words were simple but it somehow threw Craig a curveball. Nathaniel watched as he struggled to respond. “No…I mean, yes…I just…It’s not that…” It was Craig’s turn to look at Nathaniel for encouragement. Nathaniel squeezed his hand. “He’s really not that bad.”

Oh okay then. “Not that bad? Oh that’s nice to hear from your boyfriend. I’m not that bad,” Nathaniel scoffed incredulously as he took his hand away from Craig’s. 

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Craig sighed before looking back at Preston, “This is what I’m talking about. He twists your words and before you know it, you’re standing there wondering if you’re the one at fault.”

Nathaniel was not quite listening to Craig. He was more or less waiting for Craig to stop speaking before he could talk again, “I’m nicer than I should be. I’m not going to fake my way through relationships.”

It was Preston’s turn to speak and he directed his question to Nathaniel, “What did Craig just say?”

Nathaniel blinked in response and tried to think back to Craig’s last words. He opened his mouth and closed it as he tried to remember, “Something about how I twist words.” 

Preston made a noncommittal noise before saying, “It sounds to me like Craig isn’t sure where he stands when you do that. Doubt is not a fun place to be in.” He looked at Craig and relayed his observation to him, “Judging by the way he jumped to his own defense, it sounds like Nathaniel has heard “not that bad” in a far more negative context. Tell him what you mean by ‘not that bad’.”

Craig glanced at Nathaniel and started to drum his fingers on his thighs, “I don’t think that you go out of your way to be mean…at least, I hope that you don’t. I don’t think you’re a bad person. You’re not that way with people you’re close with. You’re not that way with Amanda or with my girls. You weren’t…” He let his thought trail off and Nathaniel took that silence to speak. But before he could let a word out, Preston raised a finger in Nathaniel’s direction.

“Let Craig finish and then you can speak,” Preston told him in a way that made Nathaniel feel like an elementary school student. Nathaniel closed his mouth and crossed his arms, leaning back into the couch. 

Craig looked like he was at the edge of making a bad decision. Guilt colored his eyes and he looked down at his knees, “You weren’t that way with me. Then something changed. And I don’t know what I did.” 

Nathaniel racked his brain for the history of his interactions with Craig over the past few months. He didn’t recall being as biting with Craig until he moved in, until their intimacy declined. “You stopped sleeping with me and we discussed that a while ago and solved that problem so let’s move on to something else.” He turned to Preston and told him, his anger showing through his stilted tone of voice, “Are we quite done with the Nathaniel Bashing session?”

Preston made a soft noise under his breath before saying, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have a feeling that you see this entire process as you being thrown under the bus.”

“Well, yes,” Nathaniel remarked as he leaned back into the couch cushions, his eyes drifting over the floor. Something about Preston’s remark eased the rising tension he was feeling inside him. He did not like being criticized and ignored. Who would in this situation?

“Both people in the relationship are responsible. Both people have to agree whether or not a situation is ‘solved’ or not. It sounds like that Craig has some questions that he was not comfortable discussing when you initially talked about the decrease in sexual intimacy. Which is completely normal, by the way,” Preston added, glancing at Craig.

“I’m not going to talk about our sex life. We talked about this,” Nathaniel stated, now glaring at Craig. There was no way that he was going to discuss his insecurities in front of this stranger. 

“You may not want to talk about it, but I’m going to,” Craig insisted before directing his attention back to Preston, “Nathaniel thinks that I am not attracted to him.”

What the fuck? Nathaniel forced his mouth to stay shut and he ran his fingers through his hair, now glowering with annoyance. 

Meanwhile, Preston looked at Nathaniel with those aggravating nonjudgmental eyes. Nathaniel was sorry for whatever person he was in a relationship with. It had to be hell to be in a relationship with someone like that. Calm, collected, understanding. Screw that. Nathaniel finally spoke, “It’s not that big of a deal. I’ve always been the hot one in all of my relationships.” He did not like competition. “I mean…look at him…” He waved his hand in Craig’s direction without really acknowledging him, “Wouldn’t you be concerned? What the problem is-“

Craig cut him off, a concerned and confused tone in his voice, “Did you think that about Alex?”

The name of his late wife triggered feelings of violation in Nathaniel. He thought they agreed not to talk about their partners before. He opened his mouth, prepared to call Craig out on the rule he broke. 

Preston silenced him again with a look this time and gestured Craig to continue.

Nathaniel could only interpret the look that Craig gave Preston as ‘grateful’. Annoyance bubbled in Nathaniel, but he kept his mouth shut.

“Alex was Nathaniel’s wife,” Craig explained to Preston, “She died in a car accident about six years ago.” There was a beat in the conversation and Nathaniel took the opportunity.

“Can I speak now?” Nathaniel asked Preston sarcastically before looking at Craig, “You were not supposed to bring her up. She has nothing to do with this. This…” Nathaniel waved his hand in Preston’s general direction, “This therapy is for you and me.”

Craig fired back at him, “I’m not going to ignore her. All I know is that you guys were happy and in your own little bubble of paradise for years. All of a sudden you doubt yourself. And the only thing that has changed is me.”

Nathaniel was going to have to check himself into regular therapy because he thought he was going to lose his mind. “Bro, four solid good things have happened in my life. I married Alex. I had Amanda. I get to be a dad again to your girls. I’m with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He picked up his water bottle and took a drink, a probably odd move but he needed something alcoholic in his system. Craig opened his mouth to speak but Nathaniel cut him off, “You think that you can control every goddamn thing in your life. I’m not doing what you want me to do and it’s pissing you off. You’re so self-absorbed that you think my neurosis is because of you.” Craig had the audacity to look at him with offense and surprise, as though Nathaniel had grown a second head and it was snapping at him. 

“Nathaniel,” Preston began and Nathaniel whipped his head around, prepared to assault the man as well if he dared get between him and his verbal lashing of Craig. However, instead of being told to ‘calm down’, Preston merely said, “I know that you are frustrated and hurt and feeling attacked right now. However, you and I both know that you do not need me here so the two of you can argue back and forth.” 

Craig looked at Preston now, deliberately avoiding Nathaniel’s gaze. His irritation with the situation became more apparent as he scooted away from Nathaniel on the couch. Nathaniel had felt his energy drop a few notches, no longer interested in continuing his tirade. For the moment at least. He merely tensed his shoulders before saying, “Then get him” he shrugged his shoulder in Craig’s direction, “To understand that my whole ‘not wanting to have sex with him’ deal is not because of him. So he can stop this self depreciation act.”

Craig finally turned to acknowledge him at this point, satisfying Nathaniel in a weird way. “Me? Self depreciation act? Like you weren’t the one talking about yourself so badly last week? I haven’t even heard you talk about your enemies in the way you talked about yourself.” Nathaniel knew Craig well enough that there was a subtle anger brewing in Craig’s form. He wasn’t sure whether he was keeping himself in check because he was in front of the therapist or because he was just a better person. Either way, it was annoying Nathaniel.

“I’m not the one who came up with a fucking list of things to change about himself. I may be a self loathing bastard, but I never pulled a fucking pathetic move like that,” Nathaniel snapped back, saying the first thing that came to mind. He didn’t care, at first, that Craig’s face became red with mortification or how Craig subtly curled into himself. He didn’t speak and Nathaniel felt a moment of triumph. 

Preston finally spoke, finally came in as the referee. Nathaniel wondered, in hindsight, why it took him so long to say something. “Nathaniel, did you accomplish what you wanted to with that comment?”

What?

Nathaniel looked at Craig, this time more closely. He realized that Craig had placed his fingers over his bottom lip. His hand had started trembling as his eyes avoided Nathaniel or Preston. He felt his heart drop at the sight as though a bucket of ice cold water was dropped on his body. He opened his mouth, hoping that a string of words could leave his mouth. And maybe those words would make it better. He didn’t mean it. Craig had to know that he didn’t mean it. Nathaniel turned to Preston, desperate enough to be fed words from a total stranger if it meant that he could fix what happened. Realizing he had not yet answered Preston’s question, he struggled to respond, “I don’t know what you mean…”

“There are different ways that people respond to conflict. A course of events in your life, whatever they may be, has led you to respond by attacking. In the short time that you have been in this session, there has been a fight for domination, whether with myself or with your partner. I am willing to work with the two of you, but you are not going to bully your way into getting what you want. You didn’t want to talk about your sex life, so you reacted by lashing out in hopes that you could quiet Craig down. Please correct me if I’m wrong.” 

Fuck…

Nathaniel felt as though he was an ant under a burning magnifying glass. He picked up the water bottle again and was dismayed to find that it was empty. His eyes flickered to the door of the office, wondering if Craig would outright murder him if he left. Then again, considering what Nathaniel said to him, maybe he would let him go. “Baby, I’m sorry,” He sighed, as worthless as it sounded. 

Craig looked at him now, his eyes shining with unshed tears. The sight made Nathaniel want to throw up. Craig finally spoke to him, moving his hand back to his lap, “You are not going to speak to me that way again.” Craig hesitated for a moment, taking in a deep breath. “You don’t want to talk about sex. Fine. That’s fine with me. What do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about the guy you kissed the other night? Or do you want to talk about you getting shit faced drunk?”

Nathaniel let out a long sigh, his eyes glancing back to his water bottle. The next time, he was going to fill it up with vodka. 

All he knew was that he wished none of this had happened.


	14. Unsteady Waters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and reading. Thank you for sticking with me. I personally have a hard time with what I call 'linking scenes', so I hope that you don't mind this chapter. Again, feel free to comment and review, I'll appreciate it always. By the way, for those familiar with my Skyfall oneshot, who would like to see more of that couple dynamic? Thank you!

Nathaniel knew that he was acting like a child, but he did not care. If he did not say anything, then neither Craig or Preston could twist his words. He crossed his arms, staring at anything in the room besides the two people seated so close to him. What made matters worse was that he had ran out of the wine in his water bottle. Nathaniel felt warm, talkative, so it probably hurt Nathaniel more than it hurt Craig that he decided to begin the silent treatment.

Still, even though Nathaniel had removed himself from the conversation, the two men kept speaking. Craig wouldn’t look at him, but he talked to Preston about living with Nathaniel in college. As much as Nathaniel was itching to cut in to join in the conversation, he didn’t. 

Preston looked at Nathaniel now, a flicker in his eyes the only indication that he expected Nathaniel to speak. Nathaniel shifted in his seat, straightening up. “We’re not the same people we were in our twenties. We grew up. We changed,” He sighed, putting his hands on his knees. “Some might have changed for the better, others for the worse…” If he was going to be the bad guy in this event, then Nathaniel would settle in this role. 

“Change is change,” Preston commented with a nod, “However, there are times when it’s not clearly good or bad. It’s just different.” He glanced at Craig, the two locking eyes. Craig quickly looked away, as though Preston meant more by what he was saying. 

The hour was nearing its end. “I think that we have scratched the surface of what seems to be troubling the two of you. It’s not uncommon for people who reconnect and either begin or restart a relationship to stumble. You’re trying to connect the person you knew years before with the person they are now. Added on to that are issues regarding communication and expectations. I’m open to the idea of having an additional appointment.”

Oh God, not again. No way.

But instead, Nathaniel looked at Craig and the man finally looked back at him. Craig didn’t say anything and silently asked Nathaniel for his input. It was funny. For all the problems they currently had, they still picked up on each other’s nonverbal cues as effortlessly as though they were family. Nathaniel commented, “You know, Preston…I really don’t like you…But I guess that’s not important. If you think that you can help us get through this bullshit…then sure, let’s do it again.” He reached over and took Craig’s hand, happy when the other man squeezed it in return. 

Preston showed a bemused smile, “I’m happy to hear that.” For the first time, Preston looked unsure of what to say next. He glanced at Nathaniel before he stated, “You two can speak with Ryder upfront and he can schedule your next appointment.” Preston stood up, prompting Nathaniel and Craig to do the same. He extended his hand to Nathaniel and he took it to shake it. “It’s been a pleasure meeting you.”

“I highly doubt that, but thank you,” Nathaniel smirked, feeling comfortable to tease the man in front of him now that the interrogation was complete. Nathaniel could see out of his peripheral vision that Craig rolled his eyes, but in a tired, fond way instead of annoyance. 

“Ryder can help you schedule an appointment up front,” Preston stated, brushing off Nathaniel’s comment. He shook Craig’s hand as Nathaniel bent down to pick up his water bottle. Craig left the room first and Nathaniel went to follow him. “Oh, Nathaniel? One more thing, just a moment?” Preston asked with a smile on his face. Nathaniel looked at Craig and gestured for him to go on. Craig left the room and walked down the hallway. Nathaniel had a lingering paranoia, not liking the idea of Craig being alone with Ryder. He hoped that whatever Preston had to say was quick. 

Nathaniel looked at Preston and took note of the frown that was now on the man’s face. “If you are going to continue to come, I’m going to have to ask you not to bring anymore alcohol to our sessions.” His eyes were on the water bottle.

Nathaniel could feel the blood drain from his face at the words he heard. “This isn’t alcohol,” He immediately lied, unable to form a more coherent lie. It was not often that he was called out on his secret. It was a relatively new habit of his, something that began when Amanda became a teenager. She no longer needed him as much as she once did, leaving Nathaniel almost free to slip. And even then, it was not as frequent as it was now that Amanda had left and he moved in with Craig.

“Fruit juice then?” Preston asked with a raise of his eyebrow. Nathaniel didn’t respond. He merely ran his thumb along the thick plastic of his water bottle. Preston spoke again, “In my experience…” The frown had left his face and this irritating look of sympathy instead. “This is only indicative of a larger problem. I can make a referral-“

“See you next time, Preston. It was great being dissected,” Nathaniel quickly stated, all but spinning on his feet so that he could leave the room and Preston behind him. He walked down the hallway, past the reception desk where Craig was setting up the appointment with Ryder. He waited at the door for Craig, tapping his foot impatiently.

Craig finished up with Ryder and approached Nathaniel, “Does two weeks from today work for you?” 

Nathaniel wracked his mind for anything that could not be rescheduled and he nodded, “Yeah that works.” The two stood there, glancing at each other, not exactly angry with each other, but not at the level of previous comfort they had before. Nathaniel could feel Ryder’s nosy eyes on them and he opened the door to leave the building. 

***

“So…”

“…Hmmm?”

“…That was…”

“Yeah…”

That was the extent of the conversation Craig and Nathaniel had in regards to the therapy session. The rest of the day was a mixture of awkward silence and two sentence long conversations. The twins, once presented to the dynamic, were a welcome addition and buffer between the two men. Briar and Hazel could see that something was going on with their father and his boyfriend. Nathaniel knew enough from raising Amanda that they were going to eventually start asking questions. 

Nathaniel had made a slick escape once they arrived to Craig’s house. He had put his water bottle in the dish washer, forgoing the pre washing he usually did of the bottle. “I’m going to take a walk around the cul-de-sac,” Nathaniel announced, deciding that he was not going to deal with the awkwardness. It was becoming repetitive and annoying. His leg would be up for the gentle exercise and he had an excuse to busy himself with any one of his neighbors. 

Craig had stopped him before he left, taking Nathaniel’s hand in his. The two men looked at each other and Nathaniel had a feeling that Craig knew exactly what he was doing. Craig did not appear that he was going to call Nathaniel out on it. “I just…I really want to thank you for coming with me today. Therapy is not easy and I know that it had to be pretty hard on you…Because…” He let out a short, anxious laugh, “Because…I don’t think you would have acted like that if you weren’t stressed out.” 

Nathaniel frowned, glancing away from him. He bit his lower lip, “It could have been worse. Preston did not completely throw me under the bus. But I’m sorry that I lost my temper with you. That’s something I need to work on.” 

“And I need to work on being less rigid…with myself and with you…I think that maybe Preston was on to something…” Craig told him, referencing the conversation that Nathaniel had paid semi-attention to. It was kind of Craig to assume that Nathaniel had been listening. 

“Yeah that…that’ll be great,” Nathaniel said with a small smile, now looking at their hands. He looked at Craig and saw that Craig was returning the smile with one of his own. They were going to be fine. “I love you…” 

“…I love you too…” Craig told him. As Nathaniel looked at him, there was something off at the look in his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Nathaniel asked, feeling uneasy about leaving his side. 

“Of course. You go out. Have a nice walk. I’ll see you when you come back,” Craig told him with a larger smile on his face. He leaned in even to kiss Nathaniel on the lips, a gesture that surprised Nathaniel considering the way that everything that happened earlier today. He returned the kiss and left Craig in the house, shutting the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading


End file.
